The Fat Man Diaries Day 39 (05/20/10)

Woke up to 298.6 lbs. I'm getting excited about, but I don't want to get my hopes too high. When I'm around 295 or so, then I'll get excited.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 38 (05/19/10)

299.6 lbs this morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it isn't some cruel joke orchestrated by my scale. I had to get an oil change today, so I let Chris know that I was going to be late to class. I pretty much did a complete different workout as a result. Chris had me do more weight lifting exercises today. He said if I can see some physical results (like bigger muscles), maybe it would motivate me to keep at it. At least it would be some results I could show off to the ladies; plus muscle helps burn more fat. I'm looking forward to these noticeable results.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 37 (05/18/10)

I need to quit staying up so damn late. Didn't get to bed til about 2 a.m. again. The good news is that I woke up to 301 lbs. I still get nervous that this is my scale teasing me -- getting my hopes up -- just to pull the rug out from under me. I was especially surprised to see that weight since my morning ablutions weren't as productive as usual. I get concerned when that happens too. Maybe tomorrow the old digestive system will be back to normal; I just hope I don't have to go at work. I hate using public restrooms for the deuce. The diet hasn't been that spectacular either, but I'm at least cooking my own food. I had a big weekend of cooking, and now I don't have to worry about fast fooding it (yeah I verbed another noun). I actually enjoy cooking, but it's time consuming, and I have so much other crap to catch up on during the weekends. My laundry is towering for example, and I haven't had a chance to go to the movies in several weeks. That's almost criminal in my book.

I barely made it to class today. It's still not getting easier for me. I think I may be recovering faster, but that's not saying too much because I'm still so damn tired.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 36 (05/17/10)

302.6 lbs this morning. It always worries me when I have such a drastic weight drop. I know that any weight I might put back on will bum me out considerably. As easy as I took it on myself yesterday, it was that much harder today. Chris said that the workouts will eventually start feeling easier for me, but apparently that's some unforeseen day many years in the future. Today felt pretty awful. I went to bed around 2 a.m., and I didn't feel like opening my eyes this morning. I even considered sleeping late at making the noon class. I thought again because that never works out for me. I always get distracted, or I'll let thoughts creep into my head that will eventually talk me out of going to class. I made it through the class, and I was pouring sweat from my pores. I have to get ready for work now; I just hope I can stay awake there.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 35 (05/16/10)

No weigh in again. Took it really easy on myself and only did a couple hundred ab/back exercises. Good thing too because my back is hurting right now. Hopefully the light exercise will help work out these little kinks.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 34 (05/15/10)

306.6 lbs today. I'm not really surprised at that after the day of eating I had yesterday. Why can't I get my diet under control. I'm working so damn hard, but I'm sabotaging myself at the same time. Today was almost the reset day too. I stayed up late last night, and I didn't feel like getting up this morning. Black Sabbath's War Pigs woke me up, and I listened to the opening guitar riff. I just laid there and thought how cool it sounded, and I wished I could come up with something equally tough and cool sounding. Then I realized I was wasting time, and I got up to get ready for the gym. I did this mostly because I don't want to let Chris down; I should be doing this because I don't want to let me down. It feels good though when someone compliments you on a job well done, and I seem to be getting some accolades for working out so much. Now the weekend is here, and this is when my worst eating is done. I can't concentrate on just the bad. There's a solution here somewhere; I just haven't found it yet.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 33 (05/14/10)

Woke up to 306 lbs today. I don't understand how that can happen. I felt like I was going to be right around the 300 mark, but instead, this happens. I haven't been getting enough sleep, and each class I go to feels harder than the last. Yesterday I was confident that I'd make the 56 days, but today I'm starting to doubt myself. This is probably just another rough patch, but it feels so shitty. My muscles ache, I'm stressing out, and I'm still fat. I don't know what to do right now. My cousin told me to just think about where my weight would be if I wasn't working out everyday. She has a point, but it sure would be encouraging to see some good results.

Tha Fat Man Diaries Day 32 (05/13/10)

Woke up to a surprising 302.6 lbs today. Who would've thought that would ever be a good thing? I'm currently at a crossroads with this challenge. I'm past the halfway point, and I'm wondering what I'm going to do on day 57. I know I'll continue to workout everyday up to day 56, but how long can I maintain the treachery of this schedule? I've been going to bed later and later, and that makes it harder and harder to wake up for class in the morning. On the other hand, I'm a glutton for punishment. Part of me wants to see just how much I can take; what's my breaking point? If I can't lose weight, I can at least be in good physical condition. Strong heart, strong muscles...just buried in a fat body. It would be nice to sleep til 10 a.m one day. It's a slippery slope though; it's kind of like the same reason why addicts can't have what they're addicted to. It will all lead back to that dead end road, and nobody wants that. We'll have to wait and see. I can't worry about weeks from now; I have to worry about now. I'm tired, but there's something satisfying about that. I've earned it.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 31 (05/12/10)

304.4 lbs this morning. It's not what I want to see, but I'm glad the weight is at least coming off again, especially considering the lack of a proper diet. I don't know what I'm going to do about my eating. I could blame it on stress, but I was eating poorly before the stress. Really it's a lack of discipline. On top of that, I almost slept through my alarm this morning. AC/DC's Thunderstruck was blaring through my iHome, and I was just laying there enjoying the tunes. I was thinking about this past Saturday night when I sang it at a karaoke bar. Luckily I managed to break out of my slumber.

I asked a friend of mine after class if she thought the classes were getting harder. She said today's was definitely one of the hardest. That made me a feel a little better because I was completely drained when we were done. I don't feel anymore changes in my diet, but I'm sure it's because I'm putting lousy fuel in me. I'm still very sore, and very tired right now. I should have taken a nap, but I just have too much going on right now to sleep. Tonight I'll come straight home and get the proper rest I need.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 30 (05/11/10)

I apologize ahead of time for the shortness of today's post. I have a lot to do today, so I'll just nutshell it for you. Woke up to 306 lbs. I was late to class; Chris is waiting for the day when I don't make it. We worked out hard, and I sweated my ass off. I'm tired and hungry now. Also, I have a ton of laundry waiting for me. My gym clothes stink, and I'm down to my J.V. work clothes.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 29 (05/10/10)

308.2 lbs this morning. How depressing? I'm halfway through this challenge, and my damn diet is keeping me from dropping weight. Chris' classes are hard as hell, and frankly I'm getting really tired of waking up so damn early. It's just frustrating. I'll have to work through this, but it's not going to be easy. I know in the end, I'm doing something good for myself. I just can't overcome my bad eating habits. I'm not sure what to do, but I'm getting really pissed off at myself. Things just aren't going my way right now, and I just want to scream from the highest mountain tops. Things will get better. I need them to.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 28 (05/09/10)

No weigh in today. I think this might become a Sunday ritual. I had a weird weekend so I took it really easy on myself today. I did 200 ab exercises. That's all.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 27 (05/08/10)

305 lbs this morning. Weight problems have always been an issue in my family. I have 3 aunts, 2 uncles, 1 brother, and 14 cousins. Out of all of them, I can only think of 3 right now who don't have a real problem with their weight. One of them is dead, but before he died, he didn't have a weight problem.

Believe it or not, I was a skinny kid...up until about age 5. Yup, I used to have to wear slim jeans because the regular size was too big for me. At this time I was also in and out of the hospital with health problems. I remember pneumonia being a big one that I dealt with a lot. I'm sure my family was concerned about me; I was a skinny little sickly kid with a big head. Eventually I beat the sickness and got better. During the skinny years, different relatives and relatives of relatives would babysit my while my mom was at work. She told me that I just didn't want to eat. It wasn't a sickness of any kind, I just didn't get hungry. There's only one instance I recall as child when I didn't want to eat. My cousins' grandmother was babysitting a few of my cousins and me. This part is a little fuzzy, but I think she made us peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches. It may have been something else, but I just remember being completely grossed out by it. I definitely refused to eat that. Later I tried to sneak into the fridge to make myself a plain peanut butter sandwich. When I opened the jar of peanut butter, it looked old and crusty. I don't know what else was in there, but it wasn't just peanut butter. I didn't eat anything the whole time I was there. Eventually my own grandmother started taking care of me while mom was at work. Like Dickens said, these were the best of times and the worst of times. It was the best because my grandma made some great food. It was the worst because I gained so much weight so quickly that I went straight from slim pants to husky. I completely skipped over the regular size. It's been a battle with my weight ever since. I long for those skinny years, but at the the same time, I haven't had any real health issues since then. Even now I'm surprisingly healthy. That's not an excuse to stay big, but I'm very happy that my weight hasn't begun to cause any major health issues. I know it won't last forever, and that's why I'm doing this challenge.

I love my family very much. They're all in Texas, and I'm here in Kansas. I get to see them once or twice a year. It pains me that I can't see them more often because I always have a great time with them. I think back to all the good times we had and even the bad times too. Every time we get together, good or bad, there seems to be food involved. We're a family that was raised around the table. Good, bad, or ugly, it's a bond we all share. I don't want to break that bond, but I would like to expand it -- move it away from the table. I want my family to know that we can still have those great times, but it doesn't necessarily have to involve food. I've had these conversations with my aunt Monkey (Mary), and she's always tried to encourage me. Whether I wanted to hear it or not, she encouraged me. Her faith in God has given her incredible strength, and she has tried to pass that on to me. I don't know if it's working, but I'm very thankful for her efforts. Thank you, Monkey. Don't give up; I'm not.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 26 (05/07/10)

305.4 lbs today. I'm pretty bummed about that. It's my own fault, I know, but you'd think I'd be able to drop more weight from all the working out. Waking up and working out is getting much harder too. I'm almost halfway through the challenge, and it feels endless. I wake up just to go work out, and then I'm wrecked for the rest of the day. I feel like I have old man aches and pains. The soreness I was able to avoid for the first couple of weeks has reared it's ugly head. It seems like Chris has been stepping up the classes, and I'm feeling all the pain. Today I got to work out with the barbell instead of the much lighter dumbbells. It was hard, but I did feel manly doing it. It was me and 2 other dudes taking turns with the barbell while the rest of the class (all women) used the dumbbells. The only negative is that both the other guys are in really good shape, and I'm a gelatinous blob. But they kept me motivated while lifting. My sore armpits hurt even more now. I need to work on my diet; that's the only thing holding me back.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 25 (05/06/10)

I weighed in at 305 lbs this morning. That's what happens when you go to Burger King the night before. My buddy Huy called me last night and said, "Are you at Burger King?" I said, "No...I'm on my way though." He laughed at me, and we talked for a couple of hours. It's always fun talking to Huy; he's like the little brother I never had. Unfortunately it's not a great idea to go to bed around 2 a.m. when you have to wake up at 8:15 the next morning. Suffice it to say, I was a little late to class today. Chris thought I was going to miss completely, and he was going to be rightfully pissed. But I assured him that when he told me that I didn't want another day 1, he was right. To come this far only to have to start over...I don't know if I'd be willing to give it that extra push again. I know my eating is completely out of whack, but at least I'm exercising every day. That has to have some benefit to my health. That's where I find myself this far into the challenge: exercising and eating like shit. It makes me happy on many levels to stuff my face with delicious food. I can enjoy a salad from time to time, but it pales in comparison to a good old cheeseburger. I have to work on these thoughts because I don't want to be a fat guy the rest of my life. Diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, and a multitude of other weight related diseases run rampant through my family. I don't want to be another statistic. I've been very lucky so far, but I know that it's been my youth that has been keeping me healthy. Every day that I wake up, I'm that much older. Pretty soon my youth won't be able to protect me from the inevitable, and that's why I'm doing this challenge. I want to outsmart my genetics; I have to...somehow.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 24 (05/05/10)

302.4 lbs this morning. The accuracy is still questionable in my mind, but I accepted all the others as truth so I might as well go with this one too. I was dead-dog tired last night when I laid down to go to bed. It was one of those sucky nights when I had to toss and turn for awhile before I could fall asleep. I finally did, and it was great. I really, really didn't want to wake up today. When that alarm went off, I was so tempted to just snooze it indefinitely. I know if I did that, it would be the first leak in the dam. I don't want to start any bad habits; I only have 32 days left. I can do it; I know I can. Today is Cinco De Mayo, and I probably should be allowed a day off since I'm Mexcian. I don't think anyone would go for that though.

Today's class was particularly interesting. Chris did something different with the warm-up. Instead of just jumping rope as usual, he had has do 5 push-ups every time we messed up. That may not sound so difficult, but for a guy like me, it ain't easy. Chris also corrected my push-up technique, and it actually made it harder for me. He said it would give my muscles more work to do, and it sure as hell did. My legs are still blown out from whatever we did yesterday and the day before. It didn't help that we did more lunges and other leg intensive exercises. I still have trouble touching my toes today. Not only are my hamstrings sore and tight, but my ass is too. I could really go for a full-body, deep tissue massage. After class Chris asked me about my diet; I had to be honest and give him the bad news. I've been off my diet for days...maybe even weeks now. I'm still dropping weight, but I think it could be more significant if I were eating better. He reminded me again that I'm the only one who is responsible for my diet. Chris can help me with the exercise, but the diet is all up to me. I have 4.5 weeks to get it under control. That should be just enough time.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 23 (05/04/10)

It's not getting any easier, folks. I woke up to a surprising 302.8 lbs, but something tells me that's not accurate. I'll take it though. I had trouble willing myself out of bed again this morning. I guess it didn't help that I stay up til 1:30 last night playing with my new amp and reading about Jack White (he's one of my guitar heroes). I managed to drag myself out of my precious slumber, and I got to class on time today. I don't know exactly what we did yesterday in class, but my legs were blown out. They weren't much better today. My muscles were extremely tight, and I couldn't give them a good stretch. My hamstrings felt like they were going to snap when I tried to touch my toes. Being a fat man, you would expect me not to be able to touch my toes and other such things, but I've remained fairly flexible over the years. Today was the exception. I took it easy on myself again, but Chris still makes you work. It was hard for me to walk out of the gym, but I made it.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 22 (05/03/10)

Seeing as today is May 3rd, I guess that means I didn't win tickets to see Pearl Jam tonight in Kansas City, MO. Oh well, I got to see them last year in Austin. It was a great time. I weighed 304 lbs this morning. Not bad considering the weekend I had. It was hell waking up this morning too; I just wanted more sleep. My alarm went off, and the song just wasn't doing it for me. I had to skip ahead several songs until I found something that got me up and moving. I was slow moving through class too. Today seemed particularly hard. I was talking to Chris today after class, and he was asking me if it was a good class today. I told him it was, and I told him how hard it was for me to get up today. He made a good point to me. He said it would suck if I had to have another day 1. He's right. I've made it for 3 weeks straight, and now I'm starting my 4th week. A few more days and I'll be halfway through this damn challenge. I can't stop now. Speaking of can't stop, I love this Chili Peppers song: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't stop.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 21 (05/02/10)

Sundays seem to be the day that really takes me out of the game. I forgot to weigh myself again this morning, so I don't have anything accurate to go from. My appetite came back with a vengeance, and I'm pretty happy about that. However, that combined with my lackluster workout today should make for a heavy Monday. I'm not too worried about it. I'm just happy that I'm eating again. When things go out of whack, and I research them on the Internet, scary things can happen. There were all sorts of causes for lack of appetite, and I didn't want to have any of them. They ranged from some sort of infection to low testosterone levels. I don't know any guy who wants to have low testosterone. So now that the appetite's back, I've been sort of celebrating with the unhealthy stuff. This whole weekend was a bust.

I found out yesterday that it was free comic book day (the first Saturday in May), so I set out to get some free comics. It was my first time since high school that I set out to buy comics at a comic book store. It was my first time checking out Wichita's comic shops too. I felt like I stepped into the wayback machine and was transported back to 10th grade. It was a little intimidating to be around people with more geek knowledge than me, but at the same time I felt so tough and manly around these guys. I got my free comics, and I even bought a couple. It was a good time. What made it a great time was the new guitar amp I picked up yesterday. I finally get to play my electric guitar after almost a year of it hanging on the wall. All this took up my time on Saturday, so Saturday's chores got pushed to today. Guess what? I was lazy today too. I didn't do anything. I barely even worked out. I did a handful of girly style push-ups, and some ab exercises. I'm done for tonight. Tomorrow things will be back on track, and I'll be breaking my ass in my fitness class. I need to pay off my debt so I can afford Jiu-Jitsu. I'll work on those numbers.

My buddy, Huy, recommended this song for inspiration. It's a cover of Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror," by James Morrison. It may not pump you up during a workout, but on those days when you feel like giving up, it just might help you hang in there. If nothing else, it's really a great cover. Check it out: James Morrison - Man in the Mirror.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 20 (05/01/10)

I broke even this morning at 303.2 lbs. How could that be? Well I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I think my appetite has finally returned; the bad news is, I've been satiating the hunger with not so great food. This weekend I will transition back to a healthy diet, but I'm going to have to also overhaul this healthy menu. I need to find something that's tasty but also healthy.

Today's fitness class was one of the hardest I've had in a while. I was so tired afterward that it took me a while to get off my ass and move around. I just wanted to sit there for as long as possible so I could catch my breath and rest a little. Chris even had me doing fewer reps than everyone else, and I still got tired. I was planning to stay after class and do some kicking and punching exercises on the punching bags, but as soon as I could walk, I was out of there. The class was packed today, and it was a far cry from yesterday's lonely class. We didn't do anything that Chris hasn't made us do before, but it really drained me. I just want to jump in the shower and sleep for a day or two. In fact, I think I just may.

Working out is great for my health, but it is taking me away from one of my joys in life. I love playing guitar. I'm not very good at it, but it's a passion of mine I've had for years. I just played a few chords, and now my fingertips are hurting. I worked so long to grow callouses on my fingertips, and now they're gone. This is a lesson I have to learn, and I'm sure many others have to learn this too: balance. I have to learn to balance the things in my life that I love. I can't do one thing at the expense of another. If anyone has been successful at bringing balance to their life, please feel free to share with the rest of us.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 19 (04/30/10)

Woke up to 303.2 lbs this morning. I'm not stressing it at this point. I'm exercising regularly, and I can feel some changes in my body. I'm still having the appetite problem, and that's why there hasn't been any weight loss today. Yesterday was the first time I had 3 full meals all week. The only problem was that they consisted of frozen pizza and Chinese food. For some reason the junk food doesn't give me any nausea, and I have no problem getting that food down my gullet. I'll mix it up a little today between some good and bad foods and see where I land.

I feel like this blog is getting redundant with my day to day activities. I was tired again when I woke up this morning. I considered staying in bed, but thank God I've made a commitment for at least the next 5 weeks. I was late to class, but it was ok because I was the only in class today. Most people don't like this because they feel like Chris is going to be harder on them. I don't mind it because I feel like Chris can concentrate more on me, and adjust the class to what I need. That's pretty much what he did today too. It was mostly cardio today, so I was breathing like a pervert after class. I swear I lose at least 2 lbs of water during each class. It makes for a very sexy looking, sweaty, fat man.

Like many people, I often doubt myself. Some days are great, and I'm on top of the world. Other days I wonder if I'm wasting my time with this whole challenge. It's those times that I need a reminder as to what I'm working toward. I don't expect to look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney or whoever the latest Hollywood heartthrob is. I do expect to lose weight and get healthy. I expect to stay that way too. It's during those difficult times that we all need the most help; that's when we need some sort of inspiration. Here's a song I hear at the gym a lot, and it does kind of motivate me. Maybe it will help you too: Kanye West - Stronger.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 18 (04/29/10)

302.4 lbs today. It would have been lower if I hadn't stopped by Burger King again last night. It was on purpose again because I still haven't had any hunger pangs. Until I went to BK, I had and apple, a banana, and an orange to sustain me for the whole day. I probably could've made it through the night with that, but I was scared. I jokingly wondered to myself if this was some elaborate ruse by my body to continue eating junk food. After I ate the orange last night, I felt a little nauseous. It wasn't anything major, but it felt like the orange was trying to decide whether it wanted to stay down or come back up. I thought that I was getting sick and that it was finally manifesting itself, but after a while, I felt fine again. It's looking like I'll have a doctor's appointment sometime next week, but I'm still waiting to see what the weekend brings.

My sore tricep and rib muscles are feeling much better. They aren't 100% yet, but they're feeling better than I expected. My hurt hand is better today too; although, it's not 100% either. I wrapped it extra tight today just to be safe, and now I'm wondering if I've been wrapping my hands tight enough this whole time. That might be how I hurt myself in the first place. It's a thin line you have to walk when you wrap your hands for punching. If it's too tight, you'll cut off the circulation, and you could potentially cause damage from that. If it's too loose, you could hurt yourself by not having enough support on your hands and wrists. I think I'll go over this with Chris to make sure I'm doing it right. I've been in class long enough to where I should know what I'm doing by now. Speaking of, I think I finally figured out how to kick correctly. My kicks aren't so high on my shins anymore. They are still on the shin but closer to the ankle. I felt like I was getting good power and keeping my balance today when I kicked the bag. I can feel the soreness near my ankle now, but I'm not bruised. I think I'm actually getting better at this.

Today's inspiration comes from another Rocky movie. I love the Rocky film series, and I can find endless inspiration in those movies. Here's a motivational speech from Rocky Balboa (part 6). Check it out here.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 17 (04/28/10)

It's still hard waking up in the morning; I weighed in at 303.2 lbs. The lack of sleep and weight gain was my fault though. Monday and Tuesday I never really had an appetite, and I was getting concerned about it. I decided to purposely cheat on my diet as a sort of experiment. Now those 2 days I pretty much had to force down breakfast and lunch. The meals weren't bad meals, but they weren't the kind of foods I'd get excited about. I thought I'd try some Burger King since I kind of get excited about their food. I wasn't really hungry last night, but I haven't been hungry for 2 days. I ordered some food and came home and ate it. Everything tasted good, and while I wasn't really hungry, I didn't feel like I had to force anything down. I was happy about that, and I was hoping that my appetite would be back today. It's about 12:30 p.m. and all I've had to eat so far is a Fuji apple. My mom told me I had this problem when I was a kid. I wouldn't eat because I wasn't hungry. The doctor said I was fine and that I would eat when I got hungry. A little piece of me is hoping that's what's going on now. Way back then I was a skinny little kid with a big head, but now I'm a really fat man with a big head. We'll see what happens, and if things don't go back to normal, I'm going to have to visit my doctor.

Today's class was one of those classes that I hate to love (or love to hate -- not sure). We did our usual warm-up, and then we went a few rounds on the punching bags. My right hand has been having some pain for about a week or so, and today it got worse. I think I might have hurt my right wrist when I landed a hook on the punching bag. When my hand is at a normal resting position, it feels fine, but if it's turned to land a hook, i feel the pain on the outer part of my wrist and hand. That's the new pain; the old pain is at the base of my hand near the wrist. It's pretty much the area between the 2nd and 3rd metacarpals. That worries me because many fighters who don't know how to punch often break their metacarpals. I don't want to compare myself to real fighters or even say that I have a particularly hard punch, but the fact of the matter is that I've been punching a hell of a lot more lately than ever. If I see the doctor about my appetite, I'll be sure to ask about my hand too. Here's the love/hate or hate/love part of class. Chris set up a circuit for us to go through after the bag work. I hate this because it's so hard; each exercise becomes more difficult than the last. I love this because it's so hard; each exercise becomes more difficult than the last. As if this wasn't difficult enough, Chris had us do ab exercises after every 2 stations in the circuit. I was gasping for air by the time we finished. As exhausted as I am when I finish each class, I feel equally great. This is what I'd like to be addicted to rather than junk food. After class I stopped by a couple of stores and picked up a bunch of fruit. I plan on snacking on those until my appetite fully returns.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 16 (04/27/10)

If yesterday started off on a peak, today began in the valley. This was the first time in a long time that I really considered staying in bed. My alarm had gone off, and I really didn't like the song that was playing. I had to skip about 4 or 5 songs until I got to one that motivated me to get out of bed. I got up and took care of my morning ablutions, and I used this time to return a call to my brother. Oddly enough he was taking care of his ablutions as well. My morning started to turn around a little when I weighed in at 302.4 lbs. I figure I'll be below 300 lbs by Friday. I'm thinking that I should set my goals for every 20 lbs, but it may be more encouraging to go 10 lbs at a time. We'll worry about that later. I'm still working on breaking under 300 lbs.

I was still pretty groggy when I got to the gym this morning. I was a couple of minutes early, but I was so slow at getting ready, I actually missed the first couple of rounds of jump rope. When we did the bag work today, I really wasn't giving it my all. Even with this conservation, I ran out of steam really fast. At one point we had to do pull-ups. If you remember a few sentences back, I said I weigh 302 lbs. Pull-ups aren't exactly on my list of things that I do well. Chris said to just try and hang from the top for as long as I could. I think my best hang time was almost 3 nanoseconds. I tried several times to no avail. We finished the class by doing 4 sets of 50 reps of ab/back exercises. I had some problems doing that because I think I pulled some muscles trying to do the pull-ups. My left tricep and the muscle on the left side and back part of my ribs -- I'm not sure what they're called, but they hurt like the dickens when I was doing my ab exercises. They feel a little better now, but I'm afraid they are going to hurt badly tomorrow morning. As long as it's just soreness and not a major injury, then I'll be able to work through it. A little Tiger Balm and I'll be good to go.

Before I go for today, I want to talk about a curious phenomenon that I experienced yesterday. I took my normal fitness class and a Jiu-Jitsu class yesterday. When I got home, oddly enough I wasn't hungry. I didn't eat breakfast until about 1 p.m. I wasn't even hungry when I ate; I just ate so that I wouldn't get hungry at an inopportune time. I didn't snack on anything all day, and then when I had lunch at work at 7 p.m., I wasn't hungry then either. I forced down some food because I had to eat something. It's now about noon, and I'm about to eat breakfast. I'm a little hungrier than I was yesterday, but I'm still not as hungry as I think I should be. I'll probably have to do some research (yeah Google) and see what's going on here. I'm a little concerned. I'm sure I'll be fine though.

Today's inspiration: Eminem - Lose Yourself.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 15 (04/26/10)

Today was the kind of day I needed. After missing my weigh in yesterday I was afraid to weigh myself today. I didn't have a particularly bad weekend, but it wasn't the greatest. There was some fast food and some boozing going on, and I was expecting the worst this morning. Well to my surprise I was down to 304.6 lbs. I'm definitely on track to break the glass floor of 300 lbs this week. Once I get below that, I'm staying below it.

I made it to class on time, and there were only a couple of other people there today. I prefer a smaller class for some reason. Maybe I'm just selfish. Chris gave us a pretty good workout today, and by the end of class I was tired and sweaty as usual. While I was doing my post workout stretch, Marcio Laselva invited me to take his Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class again. My first instinct was to respectfully decline. I was really tired from Chris' class, but I really wanted to try Jiu-Jitsu. Against my better judgment, I respectfully accepted. I've sort of tried this class once before, but it was so long ago that I really don't count it. I only spent about 15 minutes in the class the first time around, but this time I intended to take the whole class. There was another guy who was trying it for the first time too, and Marcio teamed me up with him. We were going to practice armbars. Anyone who knows anything about Jiu-Jitsu knows that the armbar is a staple of this particular art of fighting, and it's a great submission hold. I was really excited to learn how to do it, and I was surprised to see how calculated the whole process was. I should have known better, but the guys on tv make it look so fast and easy. It took me a little while to get the moves down -- mostly because of my weight. My heft impeded some of my movements, and I was trying not to hurt the other guy. He wasn't putting forth the same effort for me. He didn't hurt me, but he wasn't going slow enough to ensure not hurting me. When I approach any class at my gym, I do it with ultimate humility. I'm there to learn and to lose weight. This new guy thought he knew some stuff, and said that if I wasn't so heavy, he'd be able to get out of my hold. Part of me wanted to teach him a lesson, but I knew it wasn't my place. I'm not skilled in this martial art, and so I just kept my cool. Luckily Marcio overheard this and called over another student. The guy he called over is only 130 lbs. He's much smaller than the guy I was practicing with. Marcio told the smaller guy to put the new guy in an armbar, and guess what? The new guy couldn't get out of it. He tried several times to escape, but each time he had to tap out. I was satisfied that he had learned his lesson. He and I went back to practicing, and guess what? The idiot didn't learn his lesson. Marcio let us practice for a little while longer, and then we watched the other guys roll for the last half of class. Despite having to deal with an overzealous newbie, I really enjoyed the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class. I would like to continue taking the class, but I still can't afford it at this time. I'm still waiting for that sponsor to come through.

All in all, I'm feeling really great right now. I'm excited at the major possibility of getting below 300 lbs this week. I had a good morning of exercise. The only thing that can kill my buzz is work. I have a couple of hours til then, so I need to try and squeeze in a little meditation and breakfast.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 14 (04/25/10)

I forgot to weigh myself today, and anything taken during the day would be too inaccurate to count. I woke up really late today because I didn't crawl into bed until about 6a.m. Woke up and barely got ready for church. Let's just say today has seemed like a very long day, and my workout definitely suffered from that. I almost didn't have a workout today, but I can't throw this away so soon. I got some much needed inspiration last night, and I'll be more committed to this challenge than before.

Just like last Sunday, today's workout was pretty light. I did a mix of 200 ab exercises and 100 push-ups along with warm-up and cool down stretches. I didn't exactly get to reflect on my bad diet habits like I had planned to, but I did decide something just now. I remember that meditation had helped me way back in the beginning when I first started losing weight. I think I'll incorporate my meditation practice into this whole training regimen. It's been awhile, but I think it will do me some good.

For anyone who might need some inspiration of their own, here is one of my all time favorite movie scenes. If the music and imagery doesn't inspire you to try harder, I don't know what will. Check out this movie scene.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 13 (04/24/10)

Today makes the devil's dozen of days I've been working out. All that hard work adds up to 306.8 lbs. How is this possible? Come on everyone, you know what's going on. All the hard work I'm putting in at the gym is being sabotaged by my poor eating habits. I made a promise earlier this week not to eat fast food for the rest of the week. Guess what? That's right, folks, I lied. Not maliciously mind you; it's a weakness I'm working through right now. I see what it's doing to me, and I don't like it. I hit up Subway yesterday because I was too tired and lazy to make my own lunch, and then I stopped by Burger King after work. I was going to give y'all a line of b.s. about how I didn't eat until after midnight so technically the week was over and the weekend had begun, but I won't insult your intelligence. I broke my promise...plain and simple. The worst part of it was that I wasn't even that hungry last night when I went to Burger King. I was hungry, but I ordered the amount I usually get when I'm really hungry. This challenge is forcing me to take a closer look at my bad habits, and now I can see that it's not necessarily a physical need as much as a psychological one. If I can identify the source of this desire, maybe I can conquer it. This will require further study, and I'll report back all my non-scientific findings.

I went to bed last night with my window open because it felt so good outside, and I wanted to save a little dough on my electric bill. I woke up this morning to the sound of chirping birds. Sounds like a beautiful awakening, right? Normally it probably would be, but the birds wake up about an hour and a half before I normally do. I ignored them for as long as I could, but I couldn't take it. I closed my window, relieved my bladder, and tried to go back to sleep. No luck. I finally acquiesced and got out of bed and stayed up. Despite this early rising, I was late to the gym today, and Chris busted my chops a little about it. He was happy that I had made it everyday for the past 2 weeks, and he asked me if I was going to be there on Monday too (the gym is closed on Sundays). I told him I'd be there, and he told me not to fuck it up. He said once I started seeing results it would motivate me to keep working hard, and I told him my biggest problem was still my diet. He's doing all he can to help me, but my diet isn't his responsibility. It probably didn't help that I got a western burger combo from Spangles right after working out. I was thinking of getting 2 burgers, but after last night I really had to explore the difference between what I wanted and what I needed. Not that I needed a burger at all, but I knew that 1 was enough to fill me up, and eating 2 was just being gluttonous.

I have a lot to do this weekend, and I should be doing stuff right now. I'm so damn tired though. I'll probably jump in the shower, and take a nap. At least then I can I can tackle this weekend with some renewed vigor.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 12 (04/23/10)

304.4 lbs this morning. I'm not making the progress I'd like, and I think I know why. It's still my diet. It's all my diet. I can't seem to get a handle on it. I think I'll take this weekend to sort it out. The important thing is that I'm still making it to the gym everyday. I can feel it in my body too. I'm not getting stronger; I'm just getting tired. This weekend will be a time to rest and reflect on my diet and exercise.

I don't have much to say today except that I'm really tired. It's a little discouraging, but I'm looking for inspiration wherever I can find it. In fact I'll look for some songs and videos to share with anyone out there who could use some inspiration. Right now I'm reminded of my childhood, and I think Hulk Hogan had the best advice: "Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins!" Never mind the fact that Hulk Hogan was once on the juice (steroids). I think those 3 things will carry me through most of this challenge. Thanks, Hulkster!

The Fat Man Diaries Day 11 (04/22/10)

305 lbs on the dot this morning. Still going down, but not as fast as I'd like. Today's blog is going to be short because I have a dentist appointment today, and I want to have as much time as possible to flirt with the cute hygienist.

As promised, I went to lunch yesterday with Abbey, and she brought along our friend Melinda as a surprise. I ordered a large meal, but I only ate about half of it. The rest I gave to Abbey. Also, as promised, I didn't have fast food last night. I did find a loophole, and I ate a frozen pizza. I know, I know...it's still cheating. It's my fault for not being better prepared. Last week I cooked most of my food in advance (which I normally do) so I had plenty on hand for when I got hungry. This past weekend I completely wasted, and I didn't cook anything in advance. I've sort of been cooking as I need it, but when I get off of work, the last thing I want to do is fire up the stove. So my new lesson for today is: always be prepared. If I had joined the Boy Scouts, I might have learned that by now.

Today was particularly hard to get up. I went to bed fairly early last night (before 1 a.m.), but I was still tired when I woke up this morning. I think I'm going to have to start incorporating some midday naps into this schedule. When I went to the gym, I wasn't really feeling it today. I performed as best as I could, but I know I'm capable of better. I think I hit some sort of wall today. I'm going to keep working through it, and I'm sure things will get better. I've learned that there are peaks and valleys in life, and things always get worse before they get better. I'm praying that this is the worst of it, but I have a bad feeling that this is just the start of the valley.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 10 (04/21/10)

Got up this morning and weighed 305.6 lbs. Slow and steady wins the race. You know what else helps you win? Not stopping at Burger King every night after work. I was on the phone with my buddy Huy, and he warned me not to go. He tried to help me, and I flat out refused to listen. It's not his fault; I was already pulling into the drive-thru. So thank you, Huy, for your effort. Please don't give up on me because I know I'll conquer this addiction sooner or later. In fact I want to make an announcement. Last night was the last night I'm going to have fast food...for the rest of the week. It will actually be longer than that, but I can at least make it through the rest of the week (or should I say weak?). While I'm talking about cheating on my diet, let me put this out on front street: I'm going to lunch today with my friend Abbey. When she invited me last week I agreed to go only if we could go someplace that had healthy food. When she asked me yesterday where I wanted to go I suggested Carino's. Anyone who knows Carino's knows that it has delicious Italian cuisine, but it's not exactly the place you go when you're trying to lose weight. I'm going to enjoy my lunch with Abbey, and it probably won't suit my diet.

It's like when I used to practice Vipassana meditation. We would sit with our legs crossed for long periods of time while we meditated. Reverend Viet (the abbot of the Buu Mon Buddhist temple in Port Arthur, TX) told us that we would feel pain in certain body parts. He warned us not to concentrate on the pain. He said to just acknowledge the pain, and move on. It was difficult at first, but he was right. You couldn't ignore the pain because you would inevitably start concentrating on it, and then it would begin to hurt more. By acknowledging the pain we accepted that it was there, but we wouldn't let it become the focus of our meditation. Our goal was to calm our minds and relax. Once we accepted that we might have to deal with some pain to reach our goals, it made it easier for us to reach that goal. I draw a similar parallel with what I'm doing here. My goals are to lose weight and get healthy. I acknowledge that I have cheated on my diet (and probably will cheat again in the future), and accept that it has interfered with me reaching my goals. The cheating is not going to become the focus of this challenge. Now that I've accepted that, I will move on and reach my goals.

For those who are curious, I did workout today. Class isn't getting any easier, but I really feel that I'm handling them better since I've been going every day. Not that I am any stronger or anything like that. There have been many times in the past when I'd wake up in time to go to the gym, but then I'd sit around my apartment and do nothing. But since I've been forcing myself to go every day, I feel like it's getting easier to go. Today I could definitely tell that I was slowing down a lot in class, but I was there. I was sweating; my muscles were burning. I felt pretty good actually. It's a class filled mostly with women, but I feel so manly when I finish it. The only sort of regret I had today was when Marcio Laselva invited me to take the Jiu-Jitsu class. I couldn't take it because I'm having lunch with my friend Abbey. Speaking of, I need to jump in the shower because I stink like a beast.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 9 (04/20/10)

I weighed in at 306.4 lbs this morning. I wish I had more water weight to lose. I guess I'm dealing with the real fat now. I cheated again last night. I had some Burger King, and this time it tasted great. That's not good for someone who is trying to resist temptation. There's a taste that some burgers achieve (not all the time) when the mustard and tomato mix just right. I don't know what it does, but it's almost euphoric. That vinegary/tomatoey combination does it for me every time. Because of that I didn't get to bed on time. I started with that sleep deficit, and it was compounded this morning when my brother called me at 7 a.m. If that wasn't enough, my mom, niece, and nephews called me about 15 minutes later. Their intentions were good, but I really wanted my sleep. I couldn't fall back asleep. As hard as I tried, I just tossed and turned until my alarm went off. I was so sluggish this morning that I was a few minutes late to class.

Chris is back, and he gave us all a good workout. I'm surprised that I've been able to keep going to class this much. Normally I get burned out after about 3 days. I guess the constant work is keeping my muscles from allowing the soreness to settle in. Maybe I'll actually be able to keep this up after the 8 weeks are up. I just have to get my diet under control. I've heard that abs are made in the kitchen. I guess flab is made there too.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 8 (04/19/10)

307.4 lbs this morning. That's a sure sign of a bad weekend. I didn't even do any drinking. That's probably for the best. The bright side is that I'm still down from the 312 lbs I started at last week. This is the most I've ever worked out consecutively. So each day I write this will be the most consecutive days I've ever worked out. The most surprising thing for me was how easy it was to wake up this morning. Part of that was because I had to call my cousin this morning, but I haven't been suffering with the debilitating soreness I've felt in the past. Also I try and get to bed around midnight. Like I said before, rest is imperative.

I don't remember if I mentioned it, but Chris was out of town for the weekend. Marcio Laselva covered his class on Saturday and today. It's not any harder or easier, but it is different. There's still lots of sweating and plenty of bag work for me to enjoy. One of the exercises we did today and Saturday was push kicks. That's where you kick with the ball or your foot and try and push your opponent away with it. We practiced on the punching bags, and I noticed a little soreness in my left foot afterward. It's fine now, but I guess that means I need to strengthen that foot more. After class while I was stretching, Marcio asked me if I was going to take the Jiu-Jitsu class. All I could say was, "Oh come on, Marcio." He laughed and left it at that. I wanted to take the BJJ class, but I was out of gas. Plus I was hungry -- no...ravenous. I could've eaten a sunburned cow. Instead I had a sirloin steak and 4 scrambled eggs. It was delicious; it hit the spot. I stink right now, and I really need to hit the shower.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 7 (04/18/10)

Weighed in at 305.2 this morning. This whole weekend was a wash diet wise. I'm sure I'm even heavier than that now. Rest is very important to weight loss. I'm convinced. If you're tired when you wake up, you'll be tired all day. That's how I was today. I went to church this morning and almost passed out during mass. Afterward I stopped by the blood drive that my church was having today. A cute girl named Katie took my blood. I wanted to ask her out or at least flirt a little, but I was too much of a wuss to even try. She did tell me that I couldn't do any heavy lifting for 4 to 6 hours after I gave her my blood. Seeing as this whole thing wrapped up around 12:30, it really put a cramp in my plans. I was going to workout right after church. Now I'd have to wait. Since my gym is closed on Sundays, I was planning on just doing a simple workout of pushups and situps. Now I couldn't because I could cause my arm to start bleeding again. I was hoping to take it a little easy today anyway, but I still have to workout. That's what this whole challenge is about. I could still do situps -- that shouldn't cause blood to squirt out of my arm. Well I didn't even bother to do that. Why? Because I've been tired all day from lack of sleep. I opted for a yoga workout instead. I watched some video from Netflix, and I'm counting that as my light workout for today. In the future it may be good for a warm up of sorts, but I don't think I can count it as a whole workout from now on. It's not easy by any means, but it definitely doesn't leave me sweating and tired when I'm done. I clearly can't be left to my own devices. Whatever progress I made last week was probably all for nothing after the weekend of eating I just had. It's ridiculous. I'm not going to dwell on it, but I am royally pissed off at myself.

I should have done this when I started, but it never crossed my mind. Here are my current measurements along with some ideal measurements.

Measurements (in inches) Mine Ideal
Chest 51.5 45.5
Forearm 12.25 13.2
Waist 58.5 31.9
Thigh 25 24.1
Hip 45.5 38.7
Calf 17 15.5
Biceps 15.75 16.4
Neck 18.25 16.8

The Fat Man Diaries Day 6 (04/17/10)

Let me just get everything out in the open. I cheated on my diet again last night, and I cheated today. The truth is, I'll probably be cheating quite often. I don't want to. I don't like doing it, but my willpower is weak. That's why I weighed in at 304.2 lbs. I'm still down for the week, but It could be better. It should be better. I know I can do this because I've done something similar before. On January 1st, 2006 I quit drinking sodas. I remember because that was the same year that Howard Stern first broadcast his show on Sirius Satellite Radio. As remarkable as it was for me to completely quit drinking sodas, it wasn't easy. That was my third attempt at quitting. The previous 2 tries were noble efforts, but they ultimately failed for one reason or another. I would be on the wagon (so to speak), and that little bit of temptation would creep in. Before I knew it I was on a bender. Big Red soda and Dr. Pepper were my 2 weaknesses. I loved making ice cream floats with Big Red. There was something so delicious and inviting about it. I still get the cravings from time to time, but I know how hard it was for me to finally quit. I don't want to throw that all away. Sometimes I'll catch that bubbly sweet smell of Dr. Pepper and I'll think, "I'll just have a little taste," or, "1 Dr. Pepper isn't going to kill you." That's probably true, but I don't want to take the risk of being a slave to sodas again. It was quite and accomplishment for me when I finally kicked that habit. Between that and moderate exercise, I was able to lose about 15 to 20 lbs.

Here's the difference with fast food. When I get thirsty I can easily grab some water instead of a soda. It's already there. But with food, it's not quite that easy. I know I could get a salad or some "healthy" alternative to a burger at a fast food restaurant, but what's the point. When I bite into that juicy, cheesy burger, something happens to me. Some kind of euphoria. I can't explain it, but I have great pleasure in eating tasty food. I really sound like an addict. Maybe people can become food addicts. I heard a news story on The Howard Stern show about how people are addicted to certain kinds of food. At first I thought it was b.s., but as they continued to talk about it, it started to make sense. They compared fatty foods to cocaine addiction. Here's the article if you'd like to read more about it.

Enough of my excuses. I worked out today, and I worked hard. My thighs kept feeling like they were going to cramp up on me. My shoulders are killing me. I could really use a massage. On top of all that, I bruised the heck out of my left shin kicking the bag today. I guess it's better than a black eye. Despite all my aches and pains I actually feel pretty good. Yeah I'm sore as hell, but I feel like I'm making progress. I know I'll be setback this weekend by bad eating, but I'll make more progress next week. I'll say that in less than 2 weeks I'll be under the 300 lb mark. That will really spark my motivation. To see a 2 as the first number in my weight will actually make me happy. Now if I could only make those last 2 be as low. My big concern through this challenge is figuring out what to do on Sundays. My gym is closed on Sundays so I can't go there to workout. It's good in a way because it forces me to be more responsible for my own exercise and weight loss. I'll probably do something light because I'm so damn tired. If the weather is good enough, I might even hit the pool. I can't swim very well (at all), but I can get a pretty decent workout in the pool. If not that, I'll probably go for a jog. I'll find something. Wish me luck because I really need it.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 5 (04/16/10)

All apologies for today's blog because it's going to be short. I weighed in this morning at 303.4 lbs. I know I went up just a little. Well there are 2 good reasons for that. First, I didn't drop a duker at all yesterday. I was a little concerned, but I took care of that this morning during my ablutions. Second, I cheated on my diet last night. I was listening to and episode of The Howard Stern show last night, and they were talking about fast food. The night before last I was craving fast food, but I was able to fight off the urge. Last night I was weak. The only good thing about caving in last night was that I didn't really enjoy the food. Plus it really interfered with my sleep. I've been sleeping pretty well all week, but last night I just couldn't get comfortable. If I can remember how this fast food made me feel last night, I should be able to resist any future temptations.

So here I am at day 5. I made it to class 5 days in a row. That's actually not new territory for me. I've done this before, but tomorrow is the big day. That will be the first time I've made it to the gym for 6 days in a row. The bad news is that Chris won't be there tomorrow. I don't know who will be taking over his class tomorrow, but I fear it might be Navarro. He usually concentrates more on the lower body. Last time he subbed for Chris, my legs felt like Jell-o when we were done. I'll just have to deal with all that tomorrow. Today was good class. I pushed pretty hard, and I was sweating like a hog. After class I left and embarrassingly big sweat mark on the mat. It was my giant belly and flabby pecs; it looked like an MRI scan.

That's all for now. I'll catch up more this weekend.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 4 (04/15/10)

It was a little easier waking up this morning. My iHome was blasting The White Stripes - Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground. It was loud enough to wake me up, but the song is so good that you just want to jam out to it. So I let the music play while I did my morning ablutions. I weighed in this morning at 303.2 lbs. Still going in the right direction. I don't want to get to gross here, but normally I evacuate before I go to class. That didn't happen today. I'm a little concerned about that because I don't want my schedule getting off kilter.

I feel like Chris took it a little easy on us today in class. I'm not complaining because I don't know how hard I could have pushed myself today. As usual we warmed up with 6 2-minute rounds of jumping rope. Then we did some bag work. Like I said before, that's still my favorite part. When I say Chris took it easy on us, that's not to say that the class was a piece of cake. Working the punching bags still takes a lot out of you, and if you're not careful, it'll take your breath away. When I'm punching, I can feel the stress it puts on my back and shoulder muscles. They start to burn, and I feel like I'm accomplishing something. You have to be careful how your hand lands on the bag too. There have been a few occasions when my hand landed wrong, and it really hurt my wrists. So after I left I nice little pool of sweat around my punching bag, we did some ab work. I was tired and out of breath when class finished. I was so happy to be done with the workout today. I rolled over on my belly to stretch out, and I heard, "Hey!" I looked up and saw Marcio Navarro (Nuh-va'-ho) -- the kickboxing instructor. He motioned for me to get on the mat with his other students. So I took the kickboxing class today too.

Kickboxing was fun and interesting. I realize that I'm completely uncoordinated, and I'd lose very quickly if I ever got into a fight. That being said, I can see that it uses different muscles than I'm used to using, and it uses the other muscles in a different way. I have a lot of work to do before I can really go toe to toe with those guys. My balance is terrible, my coordination is way off, and I'm not blocking correctly. I can't afford to take the class right now because of all my other bills, but I'd really love to. Jiu-Jitsu is another class I'm really interested in taking, but the whole money situation doesn't make that feasible at the moment either. If there are any sponsors out there who would like to change this, just give me a holler. We'll try and work something out.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 3 (04/14/10)

Whoooo, this is getting harder. Before I get into that, I want to apologize for the shortness of yesterday's post. I had an eye exam that took time away from this blog. So I'll try to get more in depth with today's post.

So here I am -- Day 3. I'm still alive so that's good. I woke up this morning and weighed 305.4 lbs. I guess the water weight is gone, and now the real work begins for my weight loss. I remember the first time I got on the scale and it was 299 and some change. I was so excited to finally be below the 300 mark. I swore I'd never be 300 again. But here I am dealing with another broken promise to myself. I know I can do this because I've done it before. I just have to be patient and stay the course. It's not easy with all these temptations around me. Oscar Wilde put it best when he said, "I can resist anything but temptation." That's how I felt during my rough patch when I gained most of this weight back. Hmm..."weight back,"...sounds a little to close to "wetback." This Mexican ain't no wetback, but lately I have been a sweatback.

For most people 3 days of working out in a row is no big deal. It used to not be a big deal for me either, but today I woke up with some soreness. I've had worse, but nothing makes you feel like an old man more than when you have to grunt to get out of bed. I need to change my whole mentality. If I don't act like an old man, maybe I won't feel like an old man. If you lead the body, the mind will follow. If you lead the mind, the body will follow. So I need to change the way I think and act. Instead of dreading my morning workout class, I should start looking forward to them. Instead of thinking I'm on a diet, I should accept that this is going to become my way of life. My eating regimen doesn't end at the end of this 8 week challenge; it will become a normal diet. That's not to say that I'll never be able to have all those great tasting foods that are just terrible for you. I'll just have to have them in moderation. What about alcohol? That shouldn't be a problem for me either. It's fun to unwind with your friends from time to time, but I've given that up before, and I know I can do that again. In fact, that's easier for me to give up than the bad food. The fact is I've abused food far more than I've abused alcohol, and now I have to make up for that abuse. This is my punishment...my penance.

Chris had us doing some pretty intense things in class today. Some of it was actually pretty fun, but man did I sweat. There was a point when I was beating up a punching bag on the ground, and the sweat was just pouring off my face. I love the bag work we do in class. I don't have the heavy handed punch you would expect from a guy my size, but I still enjoy hitting the bags. I consider it a combination of anger management and stress relief. It makes my shoulders and back burn. It makes me gasp for air. It makes me sweat. I love it.

I work out at a gym that trains actual fighters. It's intimidating and inspiring all at the same time. I see these disciplined guys come in all the time and train hard. Then I look at my fatass and wonder, "What the hell am I doing here?" I'm trying to be like them. None of them got to where they are without hard work and discipline. That's almost the exact opposite of my old mantra of, "Do just enough to get by." I've met a lot of the instructors and fighters, and none of them have a discouraging word to say. I'll even go out on a limb and say the fighters are some of the nicest guys I've ever met. They all know how hard it is to stay fit, and they want everyone there to succeed. I'm lucky to be in an environment like that. If I fail, it's all my fault. Everyone at Laselva MMA is doing what they can to help me succeed. It's up to me to reach my goals.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 2 (04/13/10)

Day 2 of this epic endeavor. I woke up and made it to class on time today. I'm already beating the odds, but no one threw a parade for me (I feel I deserve it). The class is mostly cardio, and it makes you sweat like a freaking hog. I guess that's why I weighed 306.6 lbs this morning when I woke up. 5 lb weight loss in one day? It's obviously water weight. I don't care; I'll take it.

I should probably discuss my diet here too. I'll be using principles from the Men's Health TNT diet. It starts off as a high protein, low carb diet for now. Eventually it will even itself out with some healthy carbs. I've done this diet before, and it was very effective. But then I hit that rough patch and threw everything to the wayside, and here I am 50 plus lbs heavier. The best part of this diet is that you can start off with lots of meat, fat, cheese, and pretty much whatever low starch veggies you want. Yesterday's breakfast was a roll of Jimmy Dean Sage sausage mixed with 7 eggs and 5 strips of turkey bacon. Sounds like a lot, huh? Well it was. I had some leftover, and I'll be eating it for breakfast today. For lunch I had some leftover chicken breast with whole wheat spaghetti mixed with sauteed spinach and onions. I know that's a carb, but I didn't want my leftovers to go to waste. During the day I snacked on some raw almonds and later some small pretzels. I know, more carbs! Give me a break. Man cannot live by protein alone. So that was it for yesterday. I came home and got a decent night's sleep. That's also very important for a healthy lifestyle. Get plenty of rest so your body has the energy to perform at its peak ability! And drink lots of water! Now, if someone could please help me off this high horse. I don't know how I got up here, but I'd appreciate some help getting down.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 1 (04/12/10)

I just got back from a week long vacation in Texas. I had a good time seeing my family and friends. As usual with that group of people there was lots of mirth and merriment i.e. food and booze. Now that my vacation is over I have to get back into training. Training for what? I don't know...life. About a year ago I was at my lowest weight since high school. I was about 255 lbs. I know that still sounds like a lot, but for a guy who maxed out at 345 lbs. it was quite an accomplishment. It was all natural too. No surgeries, no supplements (except for protein shakes) -- just diet and exercise. Well somewhere along the line I just let go. It pretty much started with my vacation last year. I went on an eating frenzy, and I never snapped out of it. I ate too much fast food and most of it late at night. Chris, my instructor at Laselva MMA, has been trying to motivate me this whole time. He's been great, but I haven't been keeping up my end. Well today that's changing. He always asks me if I'll be in class, and I always respond with, "I hope so," or, "I'm going to try." "Hopefully" and "try" are words that I have to eliminate from my vocabulary. Master Yoda said it best when he said, "Do or do not. There is no try." I couldn't put it any better. I'm not going to try and make it to class. I'm going to make it to class. I'm not going to hopefully try and lose weight. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to keep the weight off. I'm going to get healthy. I'm going to stay healthy. Whether I like it or not I'm a role model to my nieces, nephews, and little cousins. I need to show them that a healthy lifestyle is the best choice for me and for them. Now that my vacation is over, it's time to get back to work. Today was day 1. I woke up this morning and weighed 312.2 lbs. My goal is to get somewhere -- anywhere -- between 180 and 220 lbs. I'm closer to my heaviest than I am to my goal. I made it to Chris' fitness class today, and I'll be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and so on. I have a deal with a friend of mine. 45 days of working out without missing a day. That's the deal I made with her, but my own personal goal is 8 weeks without missing a day. That's 56 days of exercise. I've never made it more that 5 in a row. I'm not going to try and do it. I'm not hoping that I'll reach my goals. Simply put, I'm going to do it...I have to do it.

Inspiration

I've wanted to be a filmmaker since I was a pimple-faced teenager. I went to Lamar University where I double majored in electrical engineering and computer science. That's not really the kind of thing you study if you want to direct films. It is, however, the kind of thing you study when you live in a refinery town like Beaumont, TX. One day I was perusing the classes available for the next semester. I checked the art classes because I always liked to draw, but the art classes didn't really appeal to me. Somewhere between the engineering classes and the art classes I saw a listing for "Film Production I." Later that day when I was speaking to my adviser about what classes to take the next semester, I asked about the film class. He dismissed it immediately; he didn't even want me to take it as an elective. He was an engineering professor, and I was an engineering student. Film production has no place in engineering, right? Maybe, or maybe I had no place in engineering. He gave me the list of classes I needed to take the next semester, and told me to register for them. I left our meeting a little discouraged, but not defeated. I'm not a rebel in the sense of Marlon Brando, James Dean, or Steve McQueen (much to my chagrin), but I am stubborn. Once I've made up my mind, I have a head like a rock. Back then you had to call a special phone number to register for classes (I'm older than the Internet). I sat down to make that call. What my adviser didn't know was that when he dismissed the film class, it cemented in my mind that I was going to take it. So I registered for my engineering classes, except for one. I replaced that with "Film Production I."

The summer before that semester, there was a film class offered at my college. I didn't know about it until it had been reported in my local paper. My first day of film class was like being the new kid in school. Everyone there had known each other from the summer class, and I was strolling in as the stranger. I felt so far behind everyone else. They had already had experience with cameras and editing, and everything seemed to be going over my head. It didn't help that I was too shy and scared to ask anyone for help. Eventually I got the hang of it, and I warmed up to a few people. I fell in love with the craft, and I knew this was what I wanted to spend my life doing. I changed my major as soon as I could. Lamar didn't have an actual film program at the time, but between Mr. Stanley and Dr. Roth, more and more film classes were being offered. I had stepped into a work in progress. It's funny to think about it, but my degree is pretty much a result of program that was made up as we went along. Film Production I-IV, Psychology of TV and Film, Film Theory -- the list kept growing, and I kept signing up for classes. There was a passion in me that began to burn white-hot! I was going to be the biggest name to come out of Beaumont, Texas. Then I graduated.

The passion was still burning, but nothing was happening. I made a couple of short films before I graduated, but I wanted something bigger. I wanted a career like Quentin Tarantino, Kevin Smith, or Robert Rodriguez. These guys were part of the Independent Film renaissance of the 90s, and I wanted to be a part of it too. The only problem was that I was a terrible writer. I wrote a script that I thought was raw and gritty. Then I read it. What a piece of shit. I was very discouraged by this. I know that I should have plowed through and kept writing, but I didn't. I kept waiting for something to magically happen. An idea, a person, something that would come along and force me back into trying. Time went on, and the flame inside me began to grow dimmer. I was getting older, and filmmaking seemed like more and more of a pipe dream to me. I was afraid to let go though. Some of my friends moved away, and I was still in Podunk, TX. I didn't like my day job, but it paid well. Eventually I became full-time, and I was slowly letting the dream go. My job shut down in Beaumont so I followed it to Wichita, KS. Wichita is a decent place, but it's not exactly a filmmaker's mecca. I still love movies, but I'm not making them. That breaks my heart more than any woman has. Worst of all, it's all my fault. I never made a real effort, and at some point I had to put away childish things. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that my dream was dying. When people would ask me about it, I would get defensive because I was ashamed of myself. I don't want to be another 9-5 cog in the machine of society, but I am. The dream was over, or so I thought.

Lately that fire has been getting some unexpected fuel. I have plans to shoot a video for a friend of mine. Nothing major, but it gave me a reason to pull my camera out of storage. I have to admit I'm kind of excited about it. But the impetus for this post came from one of my filmmaker heroes: Robert Rodriguez. He's always been a source of inspiration, but all his words of wisdom fell by the wayside with everything else. Just yesterday I happened along a commencement speech he made at the University of Texas. His advice to the graduating class took me back to a time when I was ready to take on the world. Once again, I'm inspired. I'll force myself to write again, and even if it's another piece of shit, I won't let it stop me. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, and I can easily add to that tome. Check out Robert's inspirational speech here. Oh yeah, wish me luck 'cause I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

Guys in pajama pants

Yesterday I saw for the umpteenth time a guy wearing pajama pants in public - at work! I can understand if a chick wants to do it. They get a free pass from me because it's kind of cute. I can even understand if you're in college and you roll out of bed and go to class wearing what you slept in. I've been there, and I've almost done that. I don't think my profs or classmates would've appreciated me going to class in my cutoff shirt and breezy, torn, tattered shorts. But if I had pajamas of any sort, I would have gladly worn them to class. That being said, I'm not just seeing this phenomenon at work; I'm seeing it everywhere. Department stores, grocery stores, dudes walking down the street. How lazy can you be? Is it so hard to slip out of your nice comfy pjs and put on a pair of jeans? I'm as lazy as they get, and I've managed to perform this menial task for the better part of my life. It just looks like you gave up. Maybe you have, but that's not problem. I wear them too - when I sleep. Here's my major beef with these pants: there's only one button keeping Eric Jr. from the outside world. Let me tell (and I'm definitely not bragging), that button ain't always enough to keep me from entering the outside world. I know I can't be the only one with this problem, and I'm afraid one day it's going to be accidentally proven to me. If that happens, I may have to commit a crime.