Inspiration

I've wanted to be a filmmaker since I was a pimple-faced teenager. I went to Lamar University where I double majored in electrical engineering and computer science. That's not really the kind of thing you study if you want to direct films. It is, however, the kind of thing you study when you live in a refinery town like Beaumont, TX. One day I was perusing the classes available for the next semester. I checked the art classes because I always liked to draw, but the art classes didn't really appeal to me. Somewhere between the engineering classes and the art classes I saw a listing for "Film Production I." Later that day when I was speaking to my adviser about what classes to take the next semester, I asked about the film class. He dismissed it immediately; he didn't even want me to take it as an elective. He was an engineering professor, and I was an engineering student. Film production has no place in engineering, right? Maybe, or maybe I had no place in engineering. He gave me the list of classes I needed to take the next semester, and told me to register for them. I left our meeting a little discouraged, but not defeated. I'm not a rebel in the sense of Marlon Brando, James Dean, or Steve McQueen (much to my chagrin), but I am stubborn. Once I've made up my mind, I have a head like a rock. Back then you had to call a special phone number to register for classes (I'm older than the Internet). I sat down to make that call. What my adviser didn't know was that when he dismissed the film class, it cemented in my mind that I was going to take it. So I registered for my engineering classes, except for one. I replaced that with "Film Production I."

The summer before that semester, there was a film class offered at my college. I didn't know about it until it had been reported in my local paper. My first day of film class was like being the new kid in school. Everyone there had known each other from the summer class, and I was strolling in as the stranger. I felt so far behind everyone else. They had already had experience with cameras and editing, and everything seemed to be going over my head. It didn't help that I was too shy and scared to ask anyone for help. Eventually I got the hang of it, and I warmed up to a few people. I fell in love with the craft, and I knew this was what I wanted to spend my life doing. I changed my major as soon as I could. Lamar didn't have an actual film program at the time, but between Mr. Stanley and Dr. Roth, more and more film classes were being offered. I had stepped into a work in progress. It's funny to think about it, but my degree is pretty much a result of program that was made up as we went along. Film Production I-IV, Psychology of TV and Film, Film Theory -- the list kept growing, and I kept signing up for classes. There was a passion in me that began to burn white-hot! I was going to be the biggest name to come out of Beaumont, Texas. Then I graduated.

The passion was still burning, but nothing was happening. I made a couple of short films before I graduated, but I wanted something bigger. I wanted a career like Quentin Tarantino, Kevin Smith, or Robert Rodriguez. These guys were part of the Independent Film renaissance of the 90s, and I wanted to be a part of it too. The only problem was that I was a terrible writer. I wrote a script that I thought was raw and gritty. Then I read it. What a piece of shit. I was very discouraged by this. I know that I should have plowed through and kept writing, but I didn't. I kept waiting for something to magically happen. An idea, a person, something that would come along and force me back into trying. Time went on, and the flame inside me began to grow dimmer. I was getting older, and filmmaking seemed like more and more of a pipe dream to me. I was afraid to let go though. Some of my friends moved away, and I was still in Podunk, TX. I didn't like my day job, but it paid well. Eventually I became full-time, and I was slowly letting the dream go. My job shut down in Beaumont so I followed it to Wichita, KS. Wichita is a decent place, but it's not exactly a filmmaker's mecca. I still love movies, but I'm not making them. That breaks my heart more than any woman has. Worst of all, it's all my fault. I never made a real effort, and at some point I had to put away childish things. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that my dream was dying. When people would ask me about it, I would get defensive because I was ashamed of myself. I don't want to be another 9-5 cog in the machine of society, but I am. The dream was over, or so I thought.

Lately that fire has been getting some unexpected fuel. I have plans to shoot a video for a friend of mine. Nothing major, but it gave me a reason to pull my camera out of storage. I have to admit I'm kind of excited about it. But the impetus for this post came from one of my filmmaker heroes: Robert Rodriguez. He's always been a source of inspiration, but all his words of wisdom fell by the wayside with everything else. Just yesterday I happened along a commencement speech he made at the University of Texas. His advice to the graduating class took me back to a time when I was ready to take on the world. Once again, I'm inspired. I'll force myself to write again, and even if it's another piece of shit, I won't let it stop me. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, and I can easily add to that tome. Check out Robert's inspirational speech here. Oh yeah, wish me luck 'cause I have a feeling I'm going to need it.