Let me just get everything out in the open. I cheated on my diet again last night, and I cheated today. The truth is, I'll probably be cheating quite often. I don't want to. I don't like doing it, but my willpower is weak. That's why I weighed in at 304.2 lbs. I'm still down for the week, but It could be better. It should be better. I know I can do this because I've done something similar before. On January 1st, 2006 I quit drinking sodas. I remember because that was the same year that Howard Stern first broadcast his show on Sirius Satellite Radio. As remarkable as it was for me to completely quit drinking sodas, it wasn't easy. That was my third attempt at quitting. The previous 2 tries were noble efforts, but they ultimately failed for one reason or another. I would be on the wagon (so to speak), and that little bit of temptation would creep in. Before I knew it I was on a bender. Big Red soda and Dr. Pepper were my 2 weaknesses. I loved making ice cream floats with Big Red. There was something so delicious and inviting about it. I still get the cravings from time to time, but I know how hard it was for me to finally quit. I don't want to throw that all away. Sometimes I'll catch that bubbly sweet smell of Dr. Pepper and I'll think, "I'll just have a little taste," or, "1 Dr. Pepper isn't going to kill you." That's probably true, but I don't want to take the risk of being a slave to sodas again. It was quite and accomplishment for me when I finally kicked that habit. Between that and moderate exercise, I was able to lose about 15 to 20 lbs.
Here's the difference with fast food. When I get thirsty I can easily grab some water instead of a soda. It's already there. But with food, it's not quite that easy. I know I could get a salad or some "healthy" alternative to a burger at a fast food restaurant, but what's the point. When I bite into that juicy, cheesy burger, something happens to me. Some kind of euphoria. I can't explain it, but I have great pleasure in eating tasty food. I really sound like an addict. Maybe people can become food addicts. I heard a news story on The Howard Stern show about how people are addicted to certain kinds of food. At first I thought it was b.s., but as they continued to talk about it, it started to make sense. They compared fatty foods to cocaine addiction. Here's the article if you'd like to read more about it.
Enough of my excuses. I worked out today, and I worked hard. My thighs kept feeling like they were going to cramp up on me. My shoulders are killing me. I could really use a massage. On top of all that, I bruised the heck out of my left shin kicking the bag today. I guess it's better than a black eye. Despite all my aches and pains I actually feel pretty good. Yeah I'm sore as hell, but I feel like I'm making progress. I know I'll be setback this weekend by bad eating, but I'll make more progress next week. I'll say that in less than 2 weeks I'll be under the 300 lb mark. That will really spark my motivation. To see a 2 as the first number in my weight will actually make me happy. Now if I could only make those last 2 be as low. My big concern through this challenge is figuring out what to do on Sundays. My gym is closed on Sundays so I can't go there to workout. It's good in a way because it forces me to be more responsible for my own exercise and weight loss. I'll probably do something light because I'm so damn tired. If the weather is good enough, I might even hit the pool. I can't swim very well (at all), but I can get a pretty decent workout in the pool. If not that, I'll probably go for a jog. I'll find something. Wish me luck because I really need it.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Fat Man Diaries Day 5 (04/16/10)
All apologies for today's blog because it's going to be short. I weighed in this morning at 303.4 lbs. I know I went up just a little. Well there are 2 good reasons for that. First, I didn't drop a duker at all yesterday. I was a little concerned, but I took care of that this morning during my ablutions. Second, I cheated on my diet last night. I was listening to and episode of The Howard Stern show last night, and they were talking about fast food. The night before last I was craving fast food, but I was able to fight off the urge. Last night I was weak. The only good thing about caving in last night was that I didn't really enjoy the food. Plus it really interfered with my sleep. I've been sleeping pretty well all week, but last night I just couldn't get comfortable. If I can remember how this fast food made me feel last night, I should be able to resist any future temptations.
So here I am at day 5. I made it to class 5 days in a row. That's actually not new territory for me. I've done this before, but tomorrow is the big day. That will be the first time I've made it to the gym for 6 days in a row. The bad news is that Chris won't be there tomorrow. I don't know who will be taking over his class tomorrow, but I fear it might be Navarro. He usually concentrates more on the lower body. Last time he subbed for Chris, my legs felt like Jell-o when we were done. I'll just have to deal with all that tomorrow. Today was good class. I pushed pretty hard, and I was sweating like a hog. After class I left and embarrassingly big sweat mark on the mat. It was my giant belly and flabby pecs; it looked like an MRI scan.
That's all for now. I'll catch up more this weekend.
So here I am at day 5. I made it to class 5 days in a row. That's actually not new territory for me. I've done this before, but tomorrow is the big day. That will be the first time I've made it to the gym for 6 days in a row. The bad news is that Chris won't be there tomorrow. I don't know who will be taking over his class tomorrow, but I fear it might be Navarro. He usually concentrates more on the lower body. Last time he subbed for Chris, my legs felt like Jell-o when we were done. I'll just have to deal with all that tomorrow. Today was good class. I pushed pretty hard, and I was sweating like a hog. After class I left and embarrassingly big sweat mark on the mat. It was my giant belly and flabby pecs; it looked like an MRI scan.
That's all for now. I'll catch up more this weekend.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Fat Man Diaries Day 4 (04/15/10)
It was a little easier waking up this morning. My iHome was blasting The White Stripes - Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground. It was loud enough to wake me up, but the song is so good that you just want to jam out to it. So I let the music play while I did my morning ablutions. I weighed in this morning at 303.2 lbs. Still going in the right direction. I don't want to get to gross here, but normally I evacuate before I go to class. That didn't happen today. I'm a little concerned about that because I don't want my schedule getting off kilter.
I feel like Chris took it a little easy on us today in class. I'm not complaining because I don't know how hard I could have pushed myself today. As usual we warmed up with 6 2-minute rounds of jumping rope. Then we did some bag work. Like I said before, that's still my favorite part. When I say Chris took it easy on us, that's not to say that the class was a piece of cake. Working the punching bags still takes a lot out of you, and if you're not careful, it'll take your breath away. When I'm punching, I can feel the stress it puts on my back and shoulder muscles. They start to burn, and I feel like I'm accomplishing something. You have to be careful how your hand lands on the bag too. There have been a few occasions when my hand landed wrong, and it really hurt my wrists. So after I left I nice little pool of sweat around my punching bag, we did some ab work. I was tired and out of breath when class finished. I was so happy to be done with the workout today. I rolled over on my belly to stretch out, and I heard, "Hey!" I looked up and saw Marcio Navarro (Nuh-va'-ho) -- the kickboxing instructor. He motioned for me to get on the mat with his other students. So I took the kickboxing class today too.
Kickboxing was fun and interesting. I realize that I'm completely uncoordinated, and I'd lose very quickly if I ever got into a fight. That being said, I can see that it uses different muscles than I'm used to using, and it uses the other muscles in a different way. I have a lot of work to do before I can really go toe to toe with those guys. My balance is terrible, my coordination is way off, and I'm not blocking correctly. I can't afford to take the class right now because of all my other bills, but I'd really love to. Jiu-Jitsu is another class I'm really interested in taking, but the whole money situation doesn't make that feasible at the moment either. If there are any sponsors out there who would like to change this, just give me a holler. We'll try and work something out.
I feel like Chris took it a little easy on us today in class. I'm not complaining because I don't know how hard I could have pushed myself today. As usual we warmed up with 6 2-minute rounds of jumping rope. Then we did some bag work. Like I said before, that's still my favorite part. When I say Chris took it easy on us, that's not to say that the class was a piece of cake. Working the punching bags still takes a lot out of you, and if you're not careful, it'll take your breath away. When I'm punching, I can feel the stress it puts on my back and shoulder muscles. They start to burn, and I feel like I'm accomplishing something. You have to be careful how your hand lands on the bag too. There have been a few occasions when my hand landed wrong, and it really hurt my wrists. So after I left I nice little pool of sweat around my punching bag, we did some ab work. I was tired and out of breath when class finished. I was so happy to be done with the workout today. I rolled over on my belly to stretch out, and I heard, "Hey!" I looked up and saw Marcio Navarro (Nuh-va'-ho) -- the kickboxing instructor. He motioned for me to get on the mat with his other students. So I took the kickboxing class today too.
Kickboxing was fun and interesting. I realize that I'm completely uncoordinated, and I'd lose very quickly if I ever got into a fight. That being said, I can see that it uses different muscles than I'm used to using, and it uses the other muscles in a different way. I have a lot of work to do before I can really go toe to toe with those guys. My balance is terrible, my coordination is way off, and I'm not blocking correctly. I can't afford to take the class right now because of all my other bills, but I'd really love to. Jiu-Jitsu is another class I'm really interested in taking, but the whole money situation doesn't make that feasible at the moment either. If there are any sponsors out there who would like to change this, just give me a holler. We'll try and work something out.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The Fat Man Diaries Day 3 (04/14/10)
Whoooo, this is getting harder. Before I get into that, I want to apologize for the shortness of yesterday's post. I had an eye exam that took time away from this blog. So I'll try to get more in depth with today's post.
So here I am -- Day 3. I'm still alive so that's good. I woke up this morning and weighed 305.4 lbs. I guess the water weight is gone, and now the real work begins for my weight loss. I remember the first time I got on the scale and it was 299 and some change. I was so excited to finally be below the 300 mark. I swore I'd never be 300 again. But here I am dealing with another broken promise to myself. I know I can do this because I've done it before. I just have to be patient and stay the course. It's not easy with all these temptations around me. Oscar Wilde put it best when he said, "I can resist anything but temptation." That's how I felt during my rough patch when I gained most of this weight back. Hmm..."weight back,"...sounds a little to close to "wetback." This Mexican ain't no wetback, but lately I have been a sweatback.
For most people 3 days of working out in a row is no big deal. It used to not be a big deal for me either, but today I woke up with some soreness. I've had worse, but nothing makes you feel like an old man more than when you have to grunt to get out of bed. I need to change my whole mentality. If I don't act like an old man, maybe I won't feel like an old man. If you lead the body, the mind will follow. If you lead the mind, the body will follow. So I need to change the way I think and act. Instead of dreading my morning workout class, I should start looking forward to them. Instead of thinking I'm on a diet, I should accept that this is going to become my way of life. My eating regimen doesn't end at the end of this 8 week challenge; it will become a normal diet. That's not to say that I'll never be able to have all those great tasting foods that are just terrible for you. I'll just have to have them in moderation. What about alcohol? That shouldn't be a problem for me either. It's fun to unwind with your friends from time to time, but I've given that up before, and I know I can do that again. In fact, that's easier for me to give up than the bad food. The fact is I've abused food far more than I've abused alcohol, and now I have to make up for that abuse. This is my punishment...my penance.
Chris had us doing some pretty intense things in class today. Some of it was actually pretty fun, but man did I sweat. There was a point when I was beating up a punching bag on the ground, and the sweat was just pouring off my face. I love the bag work we do in class. I don't have the heavy handed punch you would expect from a guy my size, but I still enjoy hitting the bags. I consider it a combination of anger management and stress relief. It makes my shoulders and back burn. It makes me gasp for air. It makes me sweat. I love it.
I work out at a gym that trains actual fighters. It's intimidating and inspiring all at the same time. I see these disciplined guys come in all the time and train hard. Then I look at my fatass and wonder, "What the hell am I doing here?" I'm trying to be like them. None of them got to where they are without hard work and discipline. That's almost the exact opposite of my old mantra of, "Do just enough to get by." I've met a lot of the instructors and fighters, and none of them have a discouraging word to say. I'll even go out on a limb and say the fighters are some of the nicest guys I've ever met. They all know how hard it is to stay fit, and they want everyone there to succeed. I'm lucky to be in an environment like that. If I fail, it's all my fault. Everyone at Laselva MMA is doing what they can to help me succeed. It's up to me to reach my goals.
So here I am -- Day 3. I'm still alive so that's good. I woke up this morning and weighed 305.4 lbs. I guess the water weight is gone, and now the real work begins for my weight loss. I remember the first time I got on the scale and it was 299 and some change. I was so excited to finally be below the 300 mark. I swore I'd never be 300 again. But here I am dealing with another broken promise to myself. I know I can do this because I've done it before. I just have to be patient and stay the course. It's not easy with all these temptations around me. Oscar Wilde put it best when he said, "I can resist anything but temptation." That's how I felt during my rough patch when I gained most of this weight back. Hmm..."weight back,"...sounds a little to close to "wetback." This Mexican ain't no wetback, but lately I have been a sweatback.
For most people 3 days of working out in a row is no big deal. It used to not be a big deal for me either, but today I woke up with some soreness. I've had worse, but nothing makes you feel like an old man more than when you have to grunt to get out of bed. I need to change my whole mentality. If I don't act like an old man, maybe I won't feel like an old man. If you lead the body, the mind will follow. If you lead the mind, the body will follow. So I need to change the way I think and act. Instead of dreading my morning workout class, I should start looking forward to them. Instead of thinking I'm on a diet, I should accept that this is going to become my way of life. My eating regimen doesn't end at the end of this 8 week challenge; it will become a normal diet. That's not to say that I'll never be able to have all those great tasting foods that are just terrible for you. I'll just have to have them in moderation. What about alcohol? That shouldn't be a problem for me either. It's fun to unwind with your friends from time to time, but I've given that up before, and I know I can do that again. In fact, that's easier for me to give up than the bad food. The fact is I've abused food far more than I've abused alcohol, and now I have to make up for that abuse. This is my punishment...my penance.
Chris had us doing some pretty intense things in class today. Some of it was actually pretty fun, but man did I sweat. There was a point when I was beating up a punching bag on the ground, and the sweat was just pouring off my face. I love the bag work we do in class. I don't have the heavy handed punch you would expect from a guy my size, but I still enjoy hitting the bags. I consider it a combination of anger management and stress relief. It makes my shoulders and back burn. It makes me gasp for air. It makes me sweat. I love it.
I work out at a gym that trains actual fighters. It's intimidating and inspiring all at the same time. I see these disciplined guys come in all the time and train hard. Then I look at my fatass and wonder, "What the hell am I doing here?" I'm trying to be like them. None of them got to where they are without hard work and discipline. That's almost the exact opposite of my old mantra of, "Do just enough to get by." I've met a lot of the instructors and fighters, and none of them have a discouraging word to say. I'll even go out on a limb and say the fighters are some of the nicest guys I've ever met. They all know how hard it is to stay fit, and they want everyone there to succeed. I'm lucky to be in an environment like that. If I fail, it's all my fault. Everyone at Laselva MMA is doing what they can to help me succeed. It's up to me to reach my goals.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Fat Man Diaries Day 2 (04/13/10)
Day 2 of this epic endeavor. I woke up and made it to class on time today. I'm already beating the odds, but no one threw a parade for me (I feel I deserve it). The class is mostly cardio, and it makes you sweat like a freaking hog. I guess that's why I weighed 306.6 lbs this morning when I woke up. 5 lb weight loss in one day? It's obviously water weight. I don't care; I'll take it.
I should probably discuss my diet here too. I'll be using principles from the Men's Health TNT diet. It starts off as a high protein, low carb diet for now. Eventually it will even itself out with some healthy carbs. I've done this diet before, and it was very effective. But then I hit that rough patch and threw everything to the wayside, and here I am 50 plus lbs heavier. The best part of this diet is that you can start off with lots of meat, fat, cheese, and pretty much whatever low starch veggies you want. Yesterday's breakfast was a roll of Jimmy Dean Sage sausage mixed with 7 eggs and 5 strips of turkey bacon. Sounds like a lot, huh? Well it was. I had some leftover, and I'll be eating it for breakfast today. For lunch I had some leftover chicken breast with whole wheat spaghetti mixed with sauteed spinach and onions. I know that's a carb, but I didn't want my leftovers to go to waste. During the day I snacked on some raw almonds and later some small pretzels. I know, more carbs! Give me a break. Man cannot live by protein alone. So that was it for yesterday. I came home and got a decent night's sleep. That's also very important for a healthy lifestyle. Get plenty of rest so your body has the energy to perform at its peak ability! And drink lots of water! Now, if someone could please help me off this high horse. I don't know how I got up here, but I'd appreciate some help getting down.
I should probably discuss my diet here too. I'll be using principles from the Men's Health TNT diet. It starts off as a high protein, low carb diet for now. Eventually it will even itself out with some healthy carbs. I've done this diet before, and it was very effective. But then I hit that rough patch and threw everything to the wayside, and here I am 50 plus lbs heavier. The best part of this diet is that you can start off with lots of meat, fat, cheese, and pretty much whatever low starch veggies you want. Yesterday's breakfast was a roll of Jimmy Dean Sage sausage mixed with 7 eggs and 5 strips of turkey bacon. Sounds like a lot, huh? Well it was. I had some leftover, and I'll be eating it for breakfast today. For lunch I had some leftover chicken breast with whole wheat spaghetti mixed with sauteed spinach and onions. I know that's a carb, but I didn't want my leftovers to go to waste. During the day I snacked on some raw almonds and later some small pretzels. I know, more carbs! Give me a break. Man cannot live by protein alone. So that was it for yesterday. I came home and got a decent night's sleep. That's also very important for a healthy lifestyle. Get plenty of rest so your body has the energy to perform at its peak ability! And drink lots of water! Now, if someone could please help me off this high horse. I don't know how I got up here, but I'd appreciate some help getting down.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Fat Man Diaries Day 1 (04/12/10)
I just got back from a week long vacation in Texas. I had a good time seeing my family and friends. As usual with that group of people there was lots of mirth and merriment i.e. food and booze. Now that my vacation is over I have to get back into training. Training for what? I don't know...life. About a year ago I was at my lowest weight since high school. I was about 255 lbs. I know that still sounds like a lot, but for a guy who maxed out at 345 lbs. it was quite an accomplishment. It was all natural too. No surgeries, no supplements (except for protein shakes) -- just diet and exercise. Well somewhere along the line I just let go. It pretty much started with my vacation last year. I went on an eating frenzy, and I never snapped out of it. I ate too much fast food and most of it late at night. Chris, my instructor at Laselva MMA, has been trying to motivate me this whole time. He's been great, but I haven't been keeping up my end. Well today that's changing. He always asks me if I'll be in class, and I always respond with, "I hope so," or, "I'm going to try." "Hopefully" and "try" are words that I have to eliminate from my vocabulary. Master Yoda said it best when he said, "Do or do not. There is no try." I couldn't put it any better. I'm not going to try and make it to class. I'm going to make it to class. I'm not going to hopefully try and lose weight. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to keep the weight off. I'm going to get healthy. I'm going to stay healthy. Whether I like it or not I'm a role model to my nieces, nephews, and little cousins. I need to show them that a healthy lifestyle is the best choice for me and for them. Now that my vacation is over, it's time to get back to work. Today was day 1. I woke up this morning and weighed 312.2 lbs. My goal is to get somewhere -- anywhere -- between 180 and 220 lbs. I'm closer to my heaviest than I am to my goal. I made it to Chris' fitness class today, and I'll be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and so on. I have a deal with a friend of mine. 45 days of working out without missing a day. That's the deal I made with her, but my own personal goal is 8 weeks without missing a day. That's 56 days of exercise. I've never made it more that 5 in a row. I'm not going to try and do it. I'm not hoping that I'll reach my goals. Simply put, I'm going to do it...I have to do it.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Inspiration
I've wanted to be a filmmaker since I was a pimple-faced teenager. I went to Lamar University where I double majored in electrical engineering and computer science. That's not really the kind of thing you study if you want to direct films. It is, however, the kind of thing you study when you live in a refinery town like Beaumont, TX. One day I was perusing the classes available for the next semester. I checked the art classes because I always liked to draw, but the art classes didn't really appeal to me. Somewhere between the engineering classes and the art classes I saw a listing for "Film Production I." Later that day when I was speaking to my adviser about what classes to take the next semester, I asked about the film class. He dismissed it immediately; he didn't even want me to take it as an elective. He was an engineering professor, and I was an engineering student. Film production has no place in engineering, right? Maybe, or maybe I had no place in engineering. He gave me the list of classes I needed to take the next semester, and told me to register for them. I left our meeting a little discouraged, but not defeated. I'm not a rebel in the sense of Marlon Brando, James Dean, or Steve McQueen (much to my chagrin), but I am stubborn. Once I've made up my mind, I have a head like a rock. Back then you had to call a special phone number to register for classes (I'm older than the Internet). I sat down to make that call. What my adviser didn't know was that when he dismissed the film class, it cemented in my mind that I was going to take it. So I registered for my engineering classes, except for one. I replaced that with "Film Production I."
The summer before that semester, there was a film class offered at my college. I didn't know about it until it had been reported in my local paper. My first day of film class was like being the new kid in school. Everyone there had known each other from the summer class, and I was strolling in as the stranger. I felt so far behind everyone else. They had already had experience with cameras and editing, and everything seemed to be going over my head. It didn't help that I was too shy and scared to ask anyone for help. Eventually I got the hang of it, and I warmed up to a few people. I fell in love with the craft, and I knew this was what I wanted to spend my life doing. I changed my major as soon as I could. Lamar didn't have an actual film program at the time, but between Mr. Stanley and Dr. Roth, more and more film classes were being offered. I had stepped into a work in progress. It's funny to think about it, but my degree is pretty much a result of program that was made up as we went along. Film Production I-IV, Psychology of TV and Film, Film Theory -- the list kept growing, and I kept signing up for classes. There was a passion in me that began to burn white-hot! I was going to be the biggest name to come out of Beaumont, Texas. Then I graduated.
The passion was still burning, but nothing was happening. I made a couple of short films before I graduated, but I wanted something bigger. I wanted a career like Quentin Tarantino, Kevin Smith, or Robert Rodriguez. These guys were part of the Independent Film renaissance of the 90s, and I wanted to be a part of it too. The only problem was that I was a terrible writer. I wrote a script that I thought was raw and gritty. Then I read it. What a piece of shit. I was very discouraged by this. I know that I should have plowed through and kept writing, but I didn't. I kept waiting for something to magically happen. An idea, a person, something that would come along and force me back into trying. Time went on, and the flame inside me began to grow dimmer. I was getting older, and filmmaking seemed like more and more of a pipe dream to me. I was afraid to let go though. Some of my friends moved away, and I was still in Podunk, TX. I didn't like my day job, but it paid well. Eventually I became full-time, and I was slowly letting the dream go. My job shut down in Beaumont so I followed it to Wichita, KS. Wichita is a decent place, but it's not exactly a filmmaker's mecca. I still love movies, but I'm not making them. That breaks my heart more than any woman has. Worst of all, it's all my fault. I never made a real effort, and at some point I had to put away childish things. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that my dream was dying. When people would ask me about it, I would get defensive because I was ashamed of myself. I don't want to be another 9-5 cog in the machine of society, but I am. The dream was over, or so I thought.
Lately that fire has been getting some unexpected fuel. I have plans to shoot a video for a friend of mine. Nothing major, but it gave me a reason to pull my camera out of storage. I have to admit I'm kind of excited about it. But the impetus for this post came from one of my filmmaker heroes: Robert Rodriguez. He's always been a source of inspiration, but all his words of wisdom fell by the wayside with everything else. Just yesterday I happened along a commencement speech he made at the University of Texas. His advice to the graduating class took me back to a time when I was ready to take on the world. Once again, I'm inspired. I'll force myself to write again, and even if it's another piece of shit, I won't let it stop me. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, and I can easily add to that tome. Check out Robert's inspirational speech here. Oh yeah, wish me luck 'cause I have a feeling I'm going to need it.
The summer before that semester, there was a film class offered at my college. I didn't know about it until it had been reported in my local paper. My first day of film class was like being the new kid in school. Everyone there had known each other from the summer class, and I was strolling in as the stranger. I felt so far behind everyone else. They had already had experience with cameras and editing, and everything seemed to be going over my head. It didn't help that I was too shy and scared to ask anyone for help. Eventually I got the hang of it, and I warmed up to a few people. I fell in love with the craft, and I knew this was what I wanted to spend my life doing. I changed my major as soon as I could. Lamar didn't have an actual film program at the time, but between Mr. Stanley and Dr. Roth, more and more film classes were being offered. I had stepped into a work in progress. It's funny to think about it, but my degree is pretty much a result of program that was made up as we went along. Film Production I-IV, Psychology of TV and Film, Film Theory -- the list kept growing, and I kept signing up for classes. There was a passion in me that began to burn white-hot! I was going to be the biggest name to come out of Beaumont, Texas. Then I graduated.
The passion was still burning, but nothing was happening. I made a couple of short films before I graduated, but I wanted something bigger. I wanted a career like Quentin Tarantino, Kevin Smith, or Robert Rodriguez. These guys were part of the Independent Film renaissance of the 90s, and I wanted to be a part of it too. The only problem was that I was a terrible writer. I wrote a script that I thought was raw and gritty. Then I read it. What a piece of shit. I was very discouraged by this. I know that I should have plowed through and kept writing, but I didn't. I kept waiting for something to magically happen. An idea, a person, something that would come along and force me back into trying. Time went on, and the flame inside me began to grow dimmer. I was getting older, and filmmaking seemed like more and more of a pipe dream to me. I was afraid to let go though. Some of my friends moved away, and I was still in Podunk, TX. I didn't like my day job, but it paid well. Eventually I became full-time, and I was slowly letting the dream go. My job shut down in Beaumont so I followed it to Wichita, KS. Wichita is a decent place, but it's not exactly a filmmaker's mecca. I still love movies, but I'm not making them. That breaks my heart more than any woman has. Worst of all, it's all my fault. I never made a real effort, and at some point I had to put away childish things. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that my dream was dying. When people would ask me about it, I would get defensive because I was ashamed of myself. I don't want to be another 9-5 cog in the machine of society, but I am. The dream was over, or so I thought.
Lately that fire has been getting some unexpected fuel. I have plans to shoot a video for a friend of mine. Nothing major, but it gave me a reason to pull my camera out of storage. I have to admit I'm kind of excited about it. But the impetus for this post came from one of my filmmaker heroes: Robert Rodriguez. He's always been a source of inspiration, but all his words of wisdom fell by the wayside with everything else. Just yesterday I happened along a commencement speech he made at the University of Texas. His advice to the graduating class took me back to a time when I was ready to take on the world. Once again, I'm inspired. I'll force myself to write again, and even if it's another piece of shit, I won't let it stop me. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, and I can easily add to that tome. Check out Robert's inspirational speech here. Oh yeah, wish me luck 'cause I have a feeling I'm going to need it.
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