The Fat Man Diaries Day 39 (05/20/10)

Woke up to 298.6 lbs. I'm getting excited about, but I don't want to get my hopes too high. When I'm around 295 or so, then I'll get excited.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 38 (05/19/10)

299.6 lbs this morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it isn't some cruel joke orchestrated by my scale. I had to get an oil change today, so I let Chris know that I was going to be late to class. I pretty much did a complete different workout as a result. Chris had me do more weight lifting exercises today. He said if I can see some physical results (like bigger muscles), maybe it would motivate me to keep at it. At least it would be some results I could show off to the ladies; plus muscle helps burn more fat. I'm looking forward to these noticeable results.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 37 (05/18/10)

I need to quit staying up so damn late. Didn't get to bed til about 2 a.m. again. The good news is that I woke up to 301 lbs. I still get nervous that this is my scale teasing me -- getting my hopes up -- just to pull the rug out from under me. I was especially surprised to see that weight since my morning ablutions weren't as productive as usual. I get concerned when that happens too. Maybe tomorrow the old digestive system will be back to normal; I just hope I don't have to go at work. I hate using public restrooms for the deuce. The diet hasn't been that spectacular either, but I'm at least cooking my own food. I had a big weekend of cooking, and now I don't have to worry about fast fooding it (yeah I verbed another noun). I actually enjoy cooking, but it's time consuming, and I have so much other crap to catch up on during the weekends. My laundry is towering for example, and I haven't had a chance to go to the movies in several weeks. That's almost criminal in my book.

I barely made it to class today. It's still not getting easier for me. I think I may be recovering faster, but that's not saying too much because I'm still so damn tired.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 36 (05/17/10)

302.6 lbs this morning. It always worries me when I have such a drastic weight drop. I know that any weight I might put back on will bum me out considerably. As easy as I took it on myself yesterday, it was that much harder today. Chris said that the workouts will eventually start feeling easier for me, but apparently that's some unforeseen day many years in the future. Today felt pretty awful. I went to bed around 2 a.m., and I didn't feel like opening my eyes this morning. I even considered sleeping late at making the noon class. I thought again because that never works out for me. I always get distracted, or I'll let thoughts creep into my head that will eventually talk me out of going to class. I made it through the class, and I was pouring sweat from my pores. I have to get ready for work now; I just hope I can stay awake there.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 35 (05/16/10)

No weigh in again. Took it really easy on myself and only did a couple hundred ab/back exercises. Good thing too because my back is hurting right now. Hopefully the light exercise will help work out these little kinks.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 34 (05/15/10)

306.6 lbs today. I'm not really surprised at that after the day of eating I had yesterday. Why can't I get my diet under control. I'm working so damn hard, but I'm sabotaging myself at the same time. Today was almost the reset day too. I stayed up late last night, and I didn't feel like getting up this morning. Black Sabbath's War Pigs woke me up, and I listened to the opening guitar riff. I just laid there and thought how cool it sounded, and I wished I could come up with something equally tough and cool sounding. Then I realized I was wasting time, and I got up to get ready for the gym. I did this mostly because I don't want to let Chris down; I should be doing this because I don't want to let me down. It feels good though when someone compliments you on a job well done, and I seem to be getting some accolades for working out so much. Now the weekend is here, and this is when my worst eating is done. I can't concentrate on just the bad. There's a solution here somewhere; I just haven't found it yet.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 33 (05/14/10)

Woke up to 306 lbs today. I don't understand how that can happen. I felt like I was going to be right around the 300 mark, but instead, this happens. I haven't been getting enough sleep, and each class I go to feels harder than the last. Yesterday I was confident that I'd make the 56 days, but today I'm starting to doubt myself. This is probably just another rough patch, but it feels so shitty. My muscles ache, I'm stressing out, and I'm still fat. I don't know what to do right now. My cousin told me to just think about where my weight would be if I wasn't working out everyday. She has a point, but it sure would be encouraging to see some good results.

Tha Fat Man Diaries Day 32 (05/13/10)

Woke up to a surprising 302.6 lbs today. Who would've thought that would ever be a good thing? I'm currently at a crossroads with this challenge. I'm past the halfway point, and I'm wondering what I'm going to do on day 57. I know I'll continue to workout everyday up to day 56, but how long can I maintain the treachery of this schedule? I've been going to bed later and later, and that makes it harder and harder to wake up for class in the morning. On the other hand, I'm a glutton for punishment. Part of me wants to see just how much I can take; what's my breaking point? If I can't lose weight, I can at least be in good physical condition. Strong heart, strong muscles...just buried in a fat body. It would be nice to sleep til 10 a.m one day. It's a slippery slope though; it's kind of like the same reason why addicts can't have what they're addicted to. It will all lead back to that dead end road, and nobody wants that. We'll have to wait and see. I can't worry about weeks from now; I have to worry about now. I'm tired, but there's something satisfying about that. I've earned it.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 31 (05/12/10)

304.4 lbs this morning. It's not what I want to see, but I'm glad the weight is at least coming off again, especially considering the lack of a proper diet. I don't know what I'm going to do about my eating. I could blame it on stress, but I was eating poorly before the stress. Really it's a lack of discipline. On top of that, I almost slept through my alarm this morning. AC/DC's Thunderstruck was blaring through my iHome, and I was just laying there enjoying the tunes. I was thinking about this past Saturday night when I sang it at a karaoke bar. Luckily I managed to break out of my slumber.

I asked a friend of mine after class if she thought the classes were getting harder. She said today's was definitely one of the hardest. That made me a feel a little better because I was completely drained when we were done. I don't feel anymore changes in my diet, but I'm sure it's because I'm putting lousy fuel in me. I'm still very sore, and very tired right now. I should have taken a nap, but I just have too much going on right now to sleep. Tonight I'll come straight home and get the proper rest I need.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 30 (05/11/10)

I apologize ahead of time for the shortness of today's post. I have a lot to do today, so I'll just nutshell it for you. Woke up to 306 lbs. I was late to class; Chris is waiting for the day when I don't make it. We worked out hard, and I sweated my ass off. I'm tired and hungry now. Also, I have a ton of laundry waiting for me. My gym clothes stink, and I'm down to my J.V. work clothes.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 29 (05/10/10)

308.2 lbs this morning. How depressing? I'm halfway through this challenge, and my damn diet is keeping me from dropping weight. Chris' classes are hard as hell, and frankly I'm getting really tired of waking up so damn early. It's just frustrating. I'll have to work through this, but it's not going to be easy. I know in the end, I'm doing something good for myself. I just can't overcome my bad eating habits. I'm not sure what to do, but I'm getting really pissed off at myself. Things just aren't going my way right now, and I just want to scream from the highest mountain tops. Things will get better. I need them to.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 28 (05/09/10)

No weigh in today. I think this might become a Sunday ritual. I had a weird weekend so I took it really easy on myself today. I did 200 ab exercises. That's all.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 27 (05/08/10)

305 lbs this morning. Weight problems have always been an issue in my family. I have 3 aunts, 2 uncles, 1 brother, and 14 cousins. Out of all of them, I can only think of 3 right now who don't have a real problem with their weight. One of them is dead, but before he died, he didn't have a weight problem.

Believe it or not, I was a skinny kid...up until about age 5. Yup, I used to have to wear slim jeans because the regular size was too big for me. At this time I was also in and out of the hospital with health problems. I remember pneumonia being a big one that I dealt with a lot. I'm sure my family was concerned about me; I was a skinny little sickly kid with a big head. Eventually I beat the sickness and got better. During the skinny years, different relatives and relatives of relatives would babysit my while my mom was at work. She told me that I just didn't want to eat. It wasn't a sickness of any kind, I just didn't get hungry. There's only one instance I recall as child when I didn't want to eat. My cousins' grandmother was babysitting a few of my cousins and me. This part is a little fuzzy, but I think she made us peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches. It may have been something else, but I just remember being completely grossed out by it. I definitely refused to eat that. Later I tried to sneak into the fridge to make myself a plain peanut butter sandwich. When I opened the jar of peanut butter, it looked old and crusty. I don't know what else was in there, but it wasn't just peanut butter. I didn't eat anything the whole time I was there. Eventually my own grandmother started taking care of me while mom was at work. Like Dickens said, these were the best of times and the worst of times. It was the best because my grandma made some great food. It was the worst because I gained so much weight so quickly that I went straight from slim pants to husky. I completely skipped over the regular size. It's been a battle with my weight ever since. I long for those skinny years, but at the the same time, I haven't had any real health issues since then. Even now I'm surprisingly healthy. That's not an excuse to stay big, but I'm very happy that my weight hasn't begun to cause any major health issues. I know it won't last forever, and that's why I'm doing this challenge.

I love my family very much. They're all in Texas, and I'm here in Kansas. I get to see them once or twice a year. It pains me that I can't see them more often because I always have a great time with them. I think back to all the good times we had and even the bad times too. Every time we get together, good or bad, there seems to be food involved. We're a family that was raised around the table. Good, bad, or ugly, it's a bond we all share. I don't want to break that bond, but I would like to expand it -- move it away from the table. I want my family to know that we can still have those great times, but it doesn't necessarily have to involve food. I've had these conversations with my aunt Monkey (Mary), and she's always tried to encourage me. Whether I wanted to hear it or not, she encouraged me. Her faith in God has given her incredible strength, and she has tried to pass that on to me. I don't know if it's working, but I'm very thankful for her efforts. Thank you, Monkey. Don't give up; I'm not.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 26 (05/07/10)

305.4 lbs today. I'm pretty bummed about that. It's my own fault, I know, but you'd think I'd be able to drop more weight from all the working out. Waking up and working out is getting much harder too. I'm almost halfway through the challenge, and it feels endless. I wake up just to go work out, and then I'm wrecked for the rest of the day. I feel like I have old man aches and pains. The soreness I was able to avoid for the first couple of weeks has reared it's ugly head. It seems like Chris has been stepping up the classes, and I'm feeling all the pain. Today I got to work out with the barbell instead of the much lighter dumbbells. It was hard, but I did feel manly doing it. It was me and 2 other dudes taking turns with the barbell while the rest of the class (all women) used the dumbbells. The only negative is that both the other guys are in really good shape, and I'm a gelatinous blob. But they kept me motivated while lifting. My sore armpits hurt even more now. I need to work on my diet; that's the only thing holding me back.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 25 (05/06/10)

I weighed in at 305 lbs this morning. That's what happens when you go to Burger King the night before. My buddy Huy called me last night and said, "Are you at Burger King?" I said, "No...I'm on my way though." He laughed at me, and we talked for a couple of hours. It's always fun talking to Huy; he's like the little brother I never had. Unfortunately it's not a great idea to go to bed around 2 a.m. when you have to wake up at 8:15 the next morning. Suffice it to say, I was a little late to class today. Chris thought I was going to miss completely, and he was going to be rightfully pissed. But I assured him that when he told me that I didn't want another day 1, he was right. To come this far only to have to start over...I don't know if I'd be willing to give it that extra push again. I know my eating is completely out of whack, but at least I'm exercising every day. That has to have some benefit to my health. That's where I find myself this far into the challenge: exercising and eating like shit. It makes me happy on many levels to stuff my face with delicious food. I can enjoy a salad from time to time, but it pales in comparison to a good old cheeseburger. I have to work on these thoughts because I don't want to be a fat guy the rest of my life. Diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, and a multitude of other weight related diseases run rampant through my family. I don't want to be another statistic. I've been very lucky so far, but I know that it's been my youth that has been keeping me healthy. Every day that I wake up, I'm that much older. Pretty soon my youth won't be able to protect me from the inevitable, and that's why I'm doing this challenge. I want to outsmart my genetics; I have to...somehow.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 24 (05/05/10)

302.4 lbs this morning. The accuracy is still questionable in my mind, but I accepted all the others as truth so I might as well go with this one too. I was dead-dog tired last night when I laid down to go to bed. It was one of those sucky nights when I had to toss and turn for awhile before I could fall asleep. I finally did, and it was great. I really, really didn't want to wake up today. When that alarm went off, I was so tempted to just snooze it indefinitely. I know if I did that, it would be the first leak in the dam. I don't want to start any bad habits; I only have 32 days left. I can do it; I know I can. Today is Cinco De Mayo, and I probably should be allowed a day off since I'm Mexcian. I don't think anyone would go for that though.

Today's class was particularly interesting. Chris did something different with the warm-up. Instead of just jumping rope as usual, he had has do 5 push-ups every time we messed up. That may not sound so difficult, but for a guy like me, it ain't easy. Chris also corrected my push-up technique, and it actually made it harder for me. He said it would give my muscles more work to do, and it sure as hell did. My legs are still blown out from whatever we did yesterday and the day before. It didn't help that we did more lunges and other leg intensive exercises. I still have trouble touching my toes today. Not only are my hamstrings sore and tight, but my ass is too. I could really go for a full-body, deep tissue massage. After class Chris asked me about my diet; I had to be honest and give him the bad news. I've been off my diet for days...maybe even weeks now. I'm still dropping weight, but I think it could be more significant if I were eating better. He reminded me again that I'm the only one who is responsible for my diet. Chris can help me with the exercise, but the diet is all up to me. I have 4.5 weeks to get it under control. That should be just enough time.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 23 (05/04/10)

It's not getting any easier, folks. I woke up to a surprising 302.8 lbs, but something tells me that's not accurate. I'll take it though. I had trouble willing myself out of bed again this morning. I guess it didn't help that I stay up til 1:30 last night playing with my new amp and reading about Jack White (he's one of my guitar heroes). I managed to drag myself out of my precious slumber, and I got to class on time today. I don't know exactly what we did yesterday in class, but my legs were blown out. They weren't much better today. My muscles were extremely tight, and I couldn't give them a good stretch. My hamstrings felt like they were going to snap when I tried to touch my toes. Being a fat man, you would expect me not to be able to touch my toes and other such things, but I've remained fairly flexible over the years. Today was the exception. I took it easy on myself again, but Chris still makes you work. It was hard for me to walk out of the gym, but I made it.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 22 (05/03/10)

Seeing as today is May 3rd, I guess that means I didn't win tickets to see Pearl Jam tonight in Kansas City, MO. Oh well, I got to see them last year in Austin. It was a great time. I weighed 304 lbs this morning. Not bad considering the weekend I had. It was hell waking up this morning too; I just wanted more sleep. My alarm went off, and the song just wasn't doing it for me. I had to skip ahead several songs until I found something that got me up and moving. I was slow moving through class too. Today seemed particularly hard. I was talking to Chris today after class, and he was asking me if it was a good class today. I told him it was, and I told him how hard it was for me to get up today. He made a good point to me. He said it would suck if I had to have another day 1. He's right. I've made it for 3 weeks straight, and now I'm starting my 4th week. A few more days and I'll be halfway through this damn challenge. I can't stop now. Speaking of can't stop, I love this Chili Peppers song: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't stop.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 21 (05/02/10)

Sundays seem to be the day that really takes me out of the game. I forgot to weigh myself again this morning, so I don't have anything accurate to go from. My appetite came back with a vengeance, and I'm pretty happy about that. However, that combined with my lackluster workout today should make for a heavy Monday. I'm not too worried about it. I'm just happy that I'm eating again. When things go out of whack, and I research them on the Internet, scary things can happen. There were all sorts of causes for lack of appetite, and I didn't want to have any of them. They ranged from some sort of infection to low testosterone levels. I don't know any guy who wants to have low testosterone. So now that the appetite's back, I've been sort of celebrating with the unhealthy stuff. This whole weekend was a bust.

I found out yesterday that it was free comic book day (the first Saturday in May), so I set out to get some free comics. It was my first time since high school that I set out to buy comics at a comic book store. It was my first time checking out Wichita's comic shops too. I felt like I stepped into the wayback machine and was transported back to 10th grade. It was a little intimidating to be around people with more geek knowledge than me, but at the same time I felt so tough and manly around these guys. I got my free comics, and I even bought a couple. It was a good time. What made it a great time was the new guitar amp I picked up yesterday. I finally get to play my electric guitar after almost a year of it hanging on the wall. All this took up my time on Saturday, so Saturday's chores got pushed to today. Guess what? I was lazy today too. I didn't do anything. I barely even worked out. I did a handful of girly style push-ups, and some ab exercises. I'm done for tonight. Tomorrow things will be back on track, and I'll be breaking my ass in my fitness class. I need to pay off my debt so I can afford Jiu-Jitsu. I'll work on those numbers.

My buddy, Huy, recommended this song for inspiration. It's a cover of Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror," by James Morrison. It may not pump you up during a workout, but on those days when you feel like giving up, it just might help you hang in there. If nothing else, it's really a great cover. Check it out: James Morrison - Man in the Mirror.

The Fat Man Diaries Day 20 (05/01/10)

I broke even this morning at 303.2 lbs. How could that be? Well I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I think my appetite has finally returned; the bad news is, I've been satiating the hunger with not so great food. This weekend I will transition back to a healthy diet, but I'm going to have to also overhaul this healthy menu. I need to find something that's tasty but also healthy.

Today's fitness class was one of the hardest I've had in a while. I was so tired afterward that it took me a while to get off my ass and move around. I just wanted to sit there for as long as possible so I could catch my breath and rest a little. Chris even had me doing fewer reps than everyone else, and I still got tired. I was planning to stay after class and do some kicking and punching exercises on the punching bags, but as soon as I could walk, I was out of there. The class was packed today, and it was a far cry from yesterday's lonely class. We didn't do anything that Chris hasn't made us do before, but it really drained me. I just want to jump in the shower and sleep for a day or two. In fact, I think I just may.

Working out is great for my health, but it is taking me away from one of my joys in life. I love playing guitar. I'm not very good at it, but it's a passion of mine I've had for years. I just played a few chords, and now my fingertips are hurting. I worked so long to grow callouses on my fingertips, and now they're gone. This is a lesson I have to learn, and I'm sure many others have to learn this too: balance. I have to learn to balance the things in my life that I love. I can't do one thing at the expense of another. If anyone has been successful at bringing balance to their life, please feel free to share with the rest of us.